my MEGa voice!!!

one of the things i love doing is singing...and although i am not so good with it, i just find it worthwhile to record my voice as simple as it may be!

tOdaY

meg havana 22 sept 07

today, i went out to the mountains. today, i was with friends. today, i got to sing some tunes, today i got to eat a lot, today i drank some wine. with that, i guess my life is gonna be alright. i don't want to dwell on negative things at the moment because all my life i had been pessimistic. through lifes ups and downs i learned to be resilient, i take eveything inside and put up a happy face. i always feel low day in and day out and i always feel i was only doing 99% of what i am capable of doing..all the time.today, i feel tired of being on the negative...just knowing how it is to be able to breathe makes me feel content that i am alive, just being with friends who truly care makes me feel so certain that i will not grow old alone. i used to like singing sad songs but today i sang a happy one. there is some certainty to my smile and the crease i wear on my face is truly a genuine one. i know i am gifted, i know i am not weak, i know someone loves me .....and with that in mind, i can sleep soundly knowing that i am at peace with myself. Good day everyone....

for real

what has transpired today with me is nothing new anymore...i didn't get surprised, i had no violent reaction ...just an empty feeling, a feeling that somehow this would happen inevitably and i should be ready to face it...and yes it did happen sooner. this time i know better and i am sure that for real this is the end of it....i don't want anything more and this has to end however hurting....and the reality is, i was stupid and now it's time for me to love myself more, to prioritize myself over others and leave some dignity within me.

im ready to face the world, albeit alone, i am resigned to the fact that im just not so lucky in love but i have my work to delve myself into, to occupy me and keep me busy...and i guess that's all i will think about right now.....

mY CurSe

Looking young is what most of us desire….when we were in our teens we tried to talk, look and dress up like adults..and when we became adults we so much want to look younger than our actual age, afraid to be tagged as old hence all sorts of beauty products, anti aging creams and the like spring up to cater to what we desire ourselves to look like…and we, vain as what it may be called, would always get fooled by those products and mask ourselves with anything to try to stop our bodies from plunging into the inevitable reality that is aging.
Although, frankly, I am not one of those who succumb to the fate of masking, as what I call it. I was never interested with making myself pretty and making me look younger than my 35 years. And this is where my dilemma lies.
You see, most people I meet especially for the first time would find me young. I do not know if it is because of my height or simply because of my very small stature. Some would say it is to my advantage since as I had said, while most crave to look young, I don’t have to do anything but be myself. I used to deny this because it would be like being proud and would be too egoistic of me to accept that fact but as I go on, especially when I deal with people at work, I cannot deny it anymore. As much as 90% of the people I meet who come to me with their respective health problems ask me my age. At times, they bombard my secretary with questions about my age and possibly my qualifications. It should have been ego fattening, I thought it was, before. However lately, it has become the most usual query and just last week I totally got insulted. I know they are just cautious because after all it is their lives we are talking about here and I know it is very important for one to make sure they can trust the health personnel with taking care of their lives healthwise. But asking one of my assistants if I had done previously the particular procedure I had scheduled on their relative or how many times had I done the procedure before, well, it just hit a nerve, and sent me spinning. And the thought that they had to ask a third person and not say it to my face was, for me, a hit below the belt. Honestly, I would never perform a procedure if it’s beyond my capability. Why would I risk the life of a person if I am certain I cannot do it? What would that make of me? And all for the reason that I look young, they thought I am young! And to make things worse, when an old foreigner was referred to me this morning, the moment I walked into the room the first thing that came out from his mouth was, “ Are you old enough?”. In my mind I was like “Aah, here we go again, is there time to run and put on makeup and high heeled shoes and dress up like Imelda Marcos complete with her hairstyle?”. Guess not.
But actually, I can never really blame them. I can only blame myself. My stubbornness to not mask myself or wear something more appropriate for a person in my field has finally caught up with me. Although it’s not that I didn’t try. I did but I am just not comfortable with it. I find it a waste of my time. And I am really contented with how I look like, at least I am complete.
So I guess this is more like a curse than a blessing. Or probably both. I am still in the process of pondering whether to redo myself or just shrug my shoulders and say “who cares”…but honestly, it is really getting into me. Sometimes I think I probably should eat more, enough to make me as fat as humpty dumpty! But one thing is for sure though, since I made this a big deal I am sure I’ll grow wrinkles tomorrow! Knock on wood!

meg havana

05 May 07

TV

Ever since I was little, my affinity to TV was already very evident. Heard of the saying “if there’s a will, there’s a way”…this was probably one of the reasons why even if we were not so fortunate enough to own a TV at that time, me and my cousins would always move heaven and earth to go to a neighbor’s house to watch tv after school, or run to the not-so-friendly neighbour’s house a good 6 blocks away and peep on the window complete with a desperate, pitiful cute angelic look which would melt the neighbor’s heart and make us go inside, sit on the floor to watch the tube….which was still in black and white at that time. At times, I can feel the owner’s gaze leering at me and my cousins, piercing through me as if telling me “you are not welcome here” but I know they cannot say it to my face because of delicadesa, after all I am my father’s daughter. So it went that way as far as I can remember. I may remember having seen “Flordeluna” or the rival soap “Annaliza” every night but I did not watch those soaps in the comfort of our own home. Cartoons like Mighty Thor or The Road Runner or the hit series Knight Rider, The Million Dollar Man and Wonder Woman are just few of the tv shows I loved to watch. Yet I never really remembered asking my mother to buy us a set…I had always known we cannot afford one and that a tv set is not a need but a luxury and that owning one is a thing only the wealthy can avail. And so me and my cousins were just contented peeking through the windows of another ‘s house, getting barked at by their dogs, getting nasty side comments from the owner , yet we never took those seriously as long as we can watch TV. On weekends, when I was a teenager we would casually pass by our distant cousin’s store at the market hoping to see their tv on to be able to watch student canteen or eat bulaga at noontime. One reason we need to see those shows is to get some new dance steps we can copy for our own since my cousins and I were really hooked on dancing and the only way we can get new steps was to watch certain contests featured on the shows and imitate the moves. I can recall that after eat bulaga we would continue to sit in front of the tv and watch those old dolphy or fpj movies shown every Saturday afternoons until my aunt would tell us she needs us out of the house or so as not to be obvious, just turn off the tv telling us it needs to rest because it will run out of battery. And so, out we go, only to come back the next day for GMA Supershow. Looking back, even if as kids me and my cousins were not blessed with having wealthy families, I still think we made the most of what we had and what we could enjoy doing as children. Those are experiences worth remembering. It makes me think of the difference between the life I had when I was growing up and the things my nephews and nieces are having. They never get to experience the thrill of being chased by the dogs when attempting to sneak through a window just to watch tv..they just sit in the living room and change channels to whatever show they wanna watch using the remote control…they can watch anytime of the day outside of school….but then times change and I still wouldn’t want to trade my childhood experiences with anything, I mean, those help in making me become the person I am today. by: meg havana 16 june 07

true friendship

26 aug 07 by meg havana you know how I’m fond of posting items in my blog…if I have time I search for articles that I can relate to and publish it in one of the many networking sites I’m signed up as a member….it was a week ago that I posted one article about true friendship that I had just copied somewhere…I usually get encouraging, positive comments from the friends I got on that site, although I have not received any for this one…but a few days after I posted that particular one, I got this comment from a person who isn’t even in my friends’ list and who obviously doesn’t want to be identified since he only has numbers as his id on his page…he told me that what I posted was inaccurate, not to burst my bubble…that I shouldn’t be writing things about friendship lasting a lifetime because, I , myself has not yet lasted a lifetime….that he didn’t wanna be rude but he thinks all relationships, be it friendship, or even marriage, would NEVER last long, implying that friendships would always turn sour ……he further went on telling me that for me to really know best about friendships and relationships, I should be reading an article or something written by Tolstoy (of which he misspelled as Toltoy) and some other guy the name of whom was unfamiliar to me. My initial reaction to that comment was one of confusion…I posted that blog hoping that anyone will be inspired by it especially my newfound friends who I’ve never met personally…I never expected a comment of that sort and I didn’t find anything wrong with saying these: True friendship only needs a few key ingredients: Undying loyalty, unmatched understanding, unsurpassed trust, Deep and soulful secrets, and endless sharing. These ingredients, mixed with personality and a sense of humor, Can make a friendship last a lifetime! For all I know, Tolstoy wrote this. But anyway, for me, I don’t need to read anyone’s work to find meaning to the word friendship…and I disagree with the guy when he said most friendships end without lasting a lifetime. yes, I admit, I have not yet lasted a lifetime but for me, from the time my mom delivered me out into this world until this day is already considered my lifetime and I may be inexperienced when it comes to poetry but I don’t have to rely on someone else’s remarks to get me through my life and my relationship with the people I come to know as friends… So instead of creating tension between him and me by replying to that comment, I decided against it and ignored him. And that’s the reason I am pouring out my feelings by writing this today. And as I am writing this, I started to guess that guy must be one hell of a miserable individual…he must be all alone in this world thinking that friends will not aide him in any way through the ups and downs of life…and with this thought in mind, instead of getting angry with him, I am now filled with thoughts of pity for that guy. And so I think I am still one of those fortunate people who happen to have true friends that will last a lifetime…after all, no man is an island.

how do i?

it was one fine sunny day in March 2003 that we met. the moment i set my eyes on him i knew he was the one for me. it's not just because of his masculine looks even with his fair white skin but something in him made me feel so good that i wanted him so badly. and so it went that we have been together since then...i learned about his past and his previous relationships but i didn't seem to care. all i cared about was how much i love my baby and how cute i would look in his arms. everyone in my family loved him too...my parents, siblings and even my nephews...and like me, they also look forward to spending time with him.
like all relationships, there are always some bumpy rides. he was even a source of a petty rift between me and my brother but as i had said, i love my baby dearly...he is always there when i need him, even getting soaked in the rain or burned under the heat of the sun just to wait for me...and he seldom make qualms about it...he keeps me calm when the going gets tough and he brings me to heights even i couldn't even imagine reaching.
but my fairytale doesn't end there...lately, i can see signs that he seems to be at a losing end...maybe his past is getting into him and he is slowly losing his grip tantamounting to him always getting sick...i don't know if i can take it anymore...i vowed not to leave him and keep him by my side until the very end...i love my baby so much it hurts to even decide to let go....yet with this situation i feel i have to say goodbye....but how can i
how can i say goodbye to my mitsubishi pajero?...yeah,i'm talking about my ride, what else?..sorry to deceive y'all!...i just feel that my baby deserves to be blogged about...i cant deny that with time it will become a burden rather than an asset judging by me frequenting my auto shop for repairs and so on...although it sounds weird but i am really attached to the vehicle, after all it is one of the first few things i had from my hard-earned money...and as such it's a tough decision for me to make to have to trade it in for another one, i can't even imagine seeing someone else driving it in the future because as i had said...i really do love my baby! ...
i apologize for being weird and making the reader think i'm referring to a person....but i guess we can write whatever we feel like writing...and i feel i need to honor the object of my affection




by: meg havana 25 aug 07

DONUTS

by meg havana

"written today on another site...."

im never good with words,that's why i shy away from blogging...but sometimes when my brain cells are really jumping up and down,like tonight, i oblige.....and so here i am, trying to squeeze thoughts outa my brainbox, rocking in my chair back and forth to think of an interesting topic to write on...
speaking about interests...well, nothing really got my attention today save for the fact that i went to the gym, which is nothing quite surprising with me since i regularly do it, even on a Sunday like today. As usual with Sundays, I ended ,or should I stay, started waking up late. Then i practically did nothing except watch anything on tv until i felt the prickly heat of noontime at which i realized it was shower time!..then while in the shower i pondered whether to just stay at home and waste the day alone or go to the gym for a chance to get to see another soul and besides i am really so down with how i am tending to lose my disicipline resulting to my pigging out and gaining too much weight than what i should just be...so i ended up doing the latter...and off i drove.i was glad i did, because it made me a lot lighter i think not only physically but in spirit....well, it gave me the chance to eat a donut which i had been craving for since this morning after watching those dunkin donuts commercials on tv and i felt satisfied...
aah, my mundane life...is this how it is when you're getting old and alone?...hope i have the will to face another 35 years of eating donut alone....

Somethin' About...

Something about being on an airplane makes me melancholic ….probably since it’s one of those moments when you gather your thoughts, not knowing whether you can survive this trip and step on common grounds again or realize that these thoughts are probably the last one you will ever have…gross eh! But that’s reality. And as I sat there, feeling the throttle of the engine, seeing the fake smiles of the stewards, and watching the smog fade away before my eyes to be replaced by the all blue backdrop of the skies at times decorated with the all too white clouds, I can’t help but reminisce the time exactly a year ago last month when I ventured into something ,I went somewhere I never thought of going, beating my own fear and insecurities…to come out of my comfort zone and travel out of the country for the first time, and to travel on my own for the first time. It was something really huge for me…I did not know what to expect except that if something in this trip goes wrong I am confident with my English, being just my second language “so I think I’m going to be ok”…thus a year ago, I packed my bags and off I went to Oz….
As I recall, everything went smoothly, bid my family farewell, I’ll be back home in 3 weeks’ time anyway, checked my ticket, passport, money and of course the all too important mobile phone…which should be on roaming mode. With “all systems go” for me, I stepped right inside for a 4-hour flight to Singapore which will connect my flight to Sydney for a gruelling 6 hours. However, before we got to SNG, we had a short stop in another local city to fetch some more passengers so it came to be that my flight was a bit delayed. I got a little worried because supposedly upon arrival in SNG I only had one hour before my next flight but if this one gets delayed, the plane to Sydney might leave without me…dumb thought, but anyway, I was brave enough to ask the airline lady if I can still make it to my next flight and yup, my thought was purely nonsensical…since my baggage was already checked in on my next flight, that plane cannot leave without me in it…whew! Still, I got worried…but anyways, since I wasn’t seated on a window seat, I always chose that preferably, I don’t know why but maybe I’m really claustrophobic…I just made friends with the two women on each of my side: the one on my left turned out to be an immigration lawyer from Brisbane, and on my right was a nurse from France…but they are both Pinays, like me. They sounded so happy and proud of their accomplishments, I was saying like, “oh yeah”, “wow”, “that’s great” to both. Just because I didn’t go somewhere to seek greener pastures like they do, doesn’t mean I’m not successful too and have nothing to say….but no, I was just silent, they didn’t even bother to ask about me, anyway. In the end, the lawyer handed me her calling card, since we almost have the same destination, she in Brisbane, me in Sydney…and told me to give her a call if I get time to go to Brisbane, promised to show me around if I do visit....and it was even sweet of her to accompany me to the gate where I’m supposed to check in…since the Changi airport is so darn huge, there was a lump in my throat just trying to look for the flight I have to Sydney…as in OMG!..
the thing about being late is you never get to wait…so when I arrived everyone in my flight was checked in and in 30 minutes off we went…at that instant, I felt like, am I dreaming or is this for real?...and again, I didn’t get the privilege of a window seat, so I sat next to a young Thai guy, tried to make conversation with him but couldn’t quite get his English accent so I stopped. I only learned that he is studying in a university in Sydney. On my right was also a young man probably Indian, but well, he never hinted that he wanted to speak to me so I did not bother him and he just went around with watching movies on the screen in front of our seats. One thing though, he always called the stewardess for wine and so on the 2nd hour of our flight, he was sound asleep as evidenced by the snore. Me? I could not sleep…I had mixed emotions…I got really excited, nervous, happy, sad, all sorts but not sleepy. I watched every darn movie shown in-house and I initially tinkered with the remote gadget since I had no idea how to operate it, I didn’t even have a clue how to take it out of the arm rest…so I just observed the Thai guy and followed suit, not wanting to be known that I’m as dumb as me…haha…but I survived that and I did enjoy the movies. Not one instance did I leave my seat to go to the lavatory even if my “red tide” was on first day that day. Can you imagine? I just sat there for the whole length of my 6-hour flight.
When I arrived in Sydney, I thought “I can now relax and that the worse is over”, my flight was uneventful and I am now officially a tourist!
Little did I know that I was in for a big surprise….simply because of my being a first-timer and most especially because of the color of my passport…with the word PILIPINAS on it. I was whisked to immigration together with another Pinay, and I was interviewed by an officer, who was, herself a Filipina, but with an Australian citizenship…she was asking me all sorts of questions which later on kinda annoyed me because the way she did it was like she’s accusing me of something…in my mind I was like, “hello, I have no plans of overstaying in your country, I have a return ticket already, and I am a professional, you shouldn’t be treating me like I’m some kind of a suspect or something”…and most of all, have a heart, you are a Filipina yourself. It actually didn’t take longer than 20 minutes and so I was relieved when she let me go. My whole life I have never been treated like that but then I know she was just doing her job…after all, they can never be too careful, I have heard that we (being from the Philippines) are noted to overstay and live illegally in their country…so I just shrugged it off and went on to claim my luggage which took me so long to retrieve but then I noticed that I had to report to customs any food or beverage that I brought and unfortunately for me, I brought some for my hosts, of course…so off I went, queuing with the others to reach that counter where everything is inspected manually and through x-ray. Although ours was the first flight to arrive that morning, judging from the scarcity of people inside, because of that side trip to immigration and the long time I spent in finding my bag, I now was mixed with passengers from other flights, people who seemed to be always in a hurry, who didn’t even bother to stay on the line…and I thought this happens only in the Philippines…but anyway, after probably a gruesome 10 minutes of lining up, it was finally my turn…
An oversized, 40-something lady entertained me, same as in immigration, she asked me the same questions in the same accusing manner, which was kinda annoying since of course I am an innocent, first-timer, tourist who happened to choose their country as a holiday destination. All the more because I seemed to have lost the key to my luggage, so she patiently went somewhere and came back with this so huge cutter she looked like she was going to cut me though she ended up breaking down the lock. Then the all too consuming part of emptying everything I packed in my luggage, my carry-on and my pockets, looking through every piece of paper in my wallet, even asking “how come I hold clinic in the afternoon and not in the morning “which I dutifully answered with “obviously since I do operations in the morning that’s why I have my clinic time at 3pm” to which she just nodded her head in affirmation. Then I made a mistake of bringing along some surgical journals I thought of perusing whenever I can during my stay, which I thought would be helpful since I was due for an oral exam in Surgery in 3 months’ time. She scanned those and asked me why I brought those along and kinda hinted to me that probably the reason that I came here was to take an exam, that there’s a possibility that I was looking for work here. I was almost to my boiling point, I mean, my goodness, I have a stable job back home, the reason I came here was just to visit, they issued me a tourist visa good for one month which I won’t even consume based on the date of my return ticket… “if you doubted my persona in the first place then you shouldn’t have allowed me entry in your country” but don’t get me wrong I just said that to myself. Not all Filipinos want greener pasture outside the 7,107 islands. Spare me, I’m one of those Pinoys who still want to live in my own backyard no matter how difficult times are now…. and I even had the thought that if they are going to deport me right this instant I would be most willing to obey, I miss home already since no one at home treats me like they treat me here. And so it came to be that I was stuck there for almost two hours, bombarding me with sometimes stupid questions, wanting to extract something from me, treating me like I’m some kind of a criminal, but then again I kept my cool and thought these people are just doing their job and they mean nothing personal. I am just so sensitive and I just wasn’t expecting that rude a welcome.
Anyways, I almost hug the woman when she finally released me….and when I looked around I realized I was the only one left in that area, all the others were gone. I guess I was the only one held up. So, I stacked all of my belongings back into my big bag and retrieved what I thought was everything. I then went out of that section and found myself in the lobby with some well wishers and a lot of people. I looked everywhere but could not find a familiar face. I was supposed to be fetched by my host two hours earlier…and so I started to panic, I reached for my cell phone and looked up her number to call her that I had arrived, I surmised that she might have left already, probably had gotten tired of waiting for me to arrive and when everyone else had come out and my face hadn’t showed up, she probably had left, after all it had been two hours already since the supposed time of my arrival. But luck wasn’t really with me that day, I remembered that I hadn’t registered her number in my mobile and that I had written it on a piece of paper which I tucked inside my wallet. So I went to a bench outside the airport and found out how cold it was in Sydney in June…so again I rummaged my luggage for another jacket I brought to make me warmer…I had never experienced winter before…I lived all my life in a tropical place….then I realized I couldn’t find my wallet, where I placed her phone number….tough luck! Now I really began to panic. I searched every inch of my luggage and my pockets but to no avail…I felt like fainting at that moment. But then I saw a guy in uniform who looked like a security officer or something so I grabbed all my belongings and started to walk towards the guy, who unfortunately was also walking away from me…with all those people coming and going I surmised I probably couldn’t get through to him….and to my amazement …and pure relief, I bumped into one person for which when I looked up I saw this oh so familiar face….Eden, my host….OMG was I happy, I could just jump with relief when I saw her! It came about that she and her husband were there earlier than my time of arrival, and they even brought the kids with them, they woke up early drove a couple of miles to the airport to meet me and they had waited, they almost left thinking I wasn’t on that flight which they expected me to be in and Eden just went back one last time to make sure I really wasn’t around before they decide to go back home. So I related everything that went on and lastly, that I could not find my wallet…all my credit cards were there and my IDs. They then brought me to an information counter, the attendant of which, wasn’t so rude and was even very accommodating…again I related my tale and good for me coz I remembered the woman at customs by the nameplate that she wore…Cynthia. So he called her up, and she came running down there in a matter of minutes, handing me back my wallet which she said got hidden near the x-ray machine that’s why I wasn’t able to see it….all these happened in that instant of my arrival in Sydney…to me it was verging on disaster but thanks to my composure and probably heaven’s intervention…all went well in the end. Cynthia even wished me an enjoyable holiday.
Even with this experience, I still wanna go back if time allows. The rest of my 3-week stay was enjoyable and unforgettable…when I went to Melbourne after my stay in Sydney, I got on a domestic flight…it wasn’t so strict since it wasn’t international but the airport personnel did bring me to a spot where they tested my clothes and hands for bomb residue…and I just mumbled to myself, “do I look like a terrorist to you, seems like you look more like one than me?”…but again…doing their job..put that in mind….and when they fed it to the computer I was released…well, the only bomb I have is the bomb I deposit inside the toilet regularly, I don’t know if I got residue of that in my hands since I wash them each time.
Going back home after that was relatively uneventful. They were probably glad to get rid of one possible illegal alien in their country.
Anyway, that was my tale….my first time to travel away from home and my confidence and patience were truly tested, but boy, have I survived!

jesus take the wheel

im not sure what in this song moves me so much it never fails to make me cry each time i hear it...and especially with a voice like Ms. Underwood's...it's just should i say, heavenly?

friday blues

it's a friday.when i was younger i used to be out on a weekend like this...gimmicks with friends...pigging out on food....going out to bars....but that phase of my life has already gone. these days, i no longer go out. though i miss those days but i guess i can't go back and i think i have to act my age...barhopping, being drunk to the max is no longer my thing...and besides i have no one to go out with anymore...all my friends, they've settled down and perhaps they are needed more to be with their own families than to be out drinking with friends....so nowadays, i prefer to stay home, not that there is an option for me. on a typical friday night, i am just alone in front of my laptop, surfing, laughing at funny videos on youtube, reading my mails and replying to some if i have the will to type, and if get sleepy i turn on the tv and watch anything until i doze off. sounds so boring but i guess that is reality...and i hope it doesn't sound like i'm a loser or something...

one fine day

by meg havana

10 jun 07

"written 2 months ago to express my frustration over things which made me think how my country is going down the drain"

For the many times that I go to the pier either to fetch my parents or to send them off back to our town, the guard in Pier 1 would always give me a hard time, in the sense that the one on duty there would not allow me to park in the designated area. At first, I tried to negotiate especially when I arrive in the pier earlier than the time of arrival of the fast craft my parents are in or when the waves are like mountain high that the boat would come in later than expected and I really have to wait… and so he would let me park with a warning that I should stay inside the vehicle with my engine running with the reason that it is prohibited to park in their parking area….At times, the guard would just simply blurt out that it’s a no parking zone when obviously it is, judging from the other vehicles that are parked there and so when I argue to him about that, he would then let me park because he cannot say otherwise…..this morning when I was there , by golly, I totally wasn’t allowed to park at all, and to think I really have to help my elderly parents settle down, I cannot imagine them bringing their luggage in such a long distance. In times like these, it always makes me think why they are treating people like the way they did me. I mean, I religiously pay my taxes, which for a newbie like me, seems to be skyrocketing high, I am law-abiding and thus I think I deserve to be treated the treatment due me because I am a good citizen of this country. How can this government-owned establishment deny the right that is due me? It really breaks my heart that I cannot even park my ride in my own city where a portion of my earnings would go, sometimes I feel I am a foreigner in my own country I cannot even enjoy the rights I have as a citizen.
But despite this negative feelings of mine, I do love Cebu, I love this country and I have no plans of going somewhere!So, does this mean i shouldn't be grumbling?

in the absence of a lullaby

can't really think of anything to blog today....its 12mn, i still can't sleep although i already tried to crawl into bed earlier but "no can do". Since i lost my cable connection in my bedroom tv more than a month ago, i had been having quite a hard time sleeping. It isn't that i wasn't able to pay the cable bills but last month the provider started installing what they call encryption boxes to the usual cable tv connection because of all these illegal tapping going on in every corner of the city and they try to solve this problem by encrypting all the channels shown unique only to a certain tv unit. Since mine is just an extension from the main one down in the living room, i decided not to have my tv installed with one and decided to just watch local channels instead although i had always known that it's always tv that puts me to sleep,it's my lullaby so ever since i lost the connection and settled on watching locals it has been difficult especially since our local channels sign off after midnight except on weekends. Since then while lying in bed, i just end up playing games in my mobile with my favorite being text twist which fortunately can also lull me to sleep although i never find the game boring. Maybe I had this craving for tv because when i grew up, there was no tv in our household. I remember me and my cousins going to a neighbor's house who owned one just to watch our favorite soap opera or watch this noontime local variety show in order for us to copy some dance steps which we can use for our own. At times, we got barked at by dogs on our way there or get cold stares from the owner, probably because we smelt bad already from playing after school. So now that i have one it's like i treasure every moment i spend time watching tv shows. It's the same thing with my stuffed toys...although i am already 30-something i am still hung up with buying those because when i was young my parents couldn't afford to buy me one and i never asked for one because i was aware that it isn't a necessity. But now, i got all sorts of stuffed toys, some i bought, others given to me as a gift.

So right this instant, i'm thinking of applying for that box installation....when you have gotten used to something it's very difficult to break it...and i miss watching the shows i like...movies on HBO,etc....tv series on AXN...music on MTV and of course news on CNN..and never forget kiddie shows on Disney Channel. Yup, just like the stuff toy thingy, i do watch Disney...actually i'm still a kid at heart.

a stale tale

written 05 jul 07...while accompanying my sister in the hospital

meg havana

It’s 1am already as I am writing this and…what do you know? I’m in the hospital!....for the past few days it’s like I am back to going on duty again as was my life during training. I have been trading the comfort of my bed with Sullivan & Stitch beside me, with a seemingly stiff extra bed in the hospital’s room 224. I have been missing going home after a day’s work and surfing the net looking for nothing until my eyes wear out. It is actually a personal sacrifice for me…although I admit it is a good thing to divert once in a while from my mundane life. Of course, I am not struck by an illness of some sort. I am perfectly healthy. My sister just had a hysterectomy and as expected of me, being the hospital person, it is my responsibility to accompany her to make sure her stay as a patient is comfortable and I am certain my presence would allay all her fears of being in confinement. And of course, it’s nothing grave…just the price of belonging to the female species I think. I can’t really get myself to sleep when I am here. It’s like I was reminded of those days that I made this hospital my home to tend to the needs of the ill, of strangers with the difference being that this time I am taking care of family. The nurses have been nice and doing their job well so far, or maybe they are because they know me to be someone working here and they are afraid to get reprimanded ….by me. Cheeky! But somehow, I feel that this is an advantage and somehow I feel that the direction my life is going ,is after all the right choice for me..coz had I been a mere stranger in this institution I guess it would be a really different story. So, this twist has actually made me realize that being what I am today is actually not a wasted effort..that it paid off and I am now reaping the fruits of my labor. I get bored but it’s not like I’ll be here the rest of the year…it’s only temporary and I can’t wait to get back to my usual…to sleep in my own bed, to watch tv ,surf the net....can't wait!!!

thanks...harry potter!!

i'd always thought i am alone in this site....geez...i was kinda stunned when i got back from vacation and opened this blog and saw 5 comments in my latest article,one an english translation of the same comment in spanish....i thank these people for the efforts they made....making one soul feel that they are there even if they do not know the former....for me, it's kinda heroic...i don't know..but guys,thank you really from the bottom of my heart...although honestly i am really embarrassed...yep, because as i had said, i never thought someone else will bother to read and so i poured out everything i felt that day and it's kinda embarrassing to have someone breeze through.

well anyway, what's done is done...and i'm feeling a lot less negative. although i still feel bitter but it's a little less now than previously...maybe i just needed a timely break from my mundane life and it helped me focus on other,more positive things in life...i did a little bit of shopping, too much dining!,and watched the last harry potter sequel in an Imax theatre which means it's being shown on 3D. I was never a harry potter fan, i watched the first movie and i slept inside the theatre...but with 3D, who doesn't want to stay up the whole length of the film, besides feeling the thrill ,you have to be awake for the whole show, you paid 2x the usual amount for a movie...so i shouldn't move a muscle and i didn't.




so thats about it for today...and again, a million thanks for the comments, it meant a lot to me...and yup thanks too, to the harry potter movie , emptied my pocket but made my day!

i am sinking

as i had said when i opened this blog site, this is the only place to hide, the only place where i can reveal what i really feel inside and so i here i am pounding the keys to let out how i feel today.
to many, i may sound like a broken record, always grumbling, feeling like i lost it, feeling like no one cares for me, feeling like the world is against me....but in all honesty, i do not feel like no one cares for me, i know a lot still do. what i don't understand with myself is why i love to focus on the negative, why i find fulfillment when i sound like i'm being castigated, like i don't feel contented when i feel happy and i always wallow in self pity. truthfully, like everyone wishes, i really do wanna be happy. I wish i don't think about sad thoughts but i can't help it. i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i feel so low when im alone, like my future is doomed and i wish i could turn back time , back to when i was a little girl with no cares in this world at all.
today, i had a rift with my special friend which resulted in me doing my thing alone...sadly, for the first time. and that made me think, somehow, someday the possibility that i will be alone is so huge that i dread going to the future. and i have not even acknowledged the fact that i did my work without a hitch, even without the help of my friend, who has always been the wind beneath my wings ever since i started. i should've been thinking like this, i mean, positively and with confidence, that i can do it, even without the help of someone, and that i am my own person , that it has always been possible to be by myself and still be able to function as a whole. because i know, and i realize this now, that sooner i am going to be alone, by myself...yet i am not sold out with the idea.
i just feel so down today. seems like it isn't worth the wait and my waiting has been in vain. these days, i really have thoughts of ending my life, but if not for my family who relies on me, i probably would have gone, and if not for the thought that God will never forgive me if i do such an act, i would have done it.
i am successful at work, in my own way, helping others heal, being with my family but as always there's this hole in my heart which i still havent filled up and for me, is getting bigger every single day. and this makes me giddy, this makes me low. i feel like i lost yet i am still hoping but everyday, when i see things that make me think how sinful i am, the hope dwindles down, i get sad and i sink so deep.
right this moment, i am just waiting for eternity. i have no hope anymore of becoming happy. i am beyond everything. slap me in the face and i won't get hurt anymore. i am very tired. my whole life...it seems like it's fading away....

thank God

it's almost midnight but as usual im still pretty much awake. A lot of things still left undone before i call it a day although an hour ago i gave my man a headache by pissing him off but what the heck,i don't care. he deserves it. now, i don't give it much thought anymore..it's like im beyond everything already.

anyway, im not here to talk about my lovelife..bec it sucks, it just keeps on eating me up and i get very depressed. i'm here to say that right now as im writing this, the rain is pouring hard.. when i was little i used to "not like it" when this happens whether i am in the house or somewhere else...it used to be that whenever it rains movement is limited and i cannot just go about without getting myself wet and much more because our house is on the river bank that everyone in the family was always alert when the rain starts because chances are, it would cause the river to flood and almost always water engulfs our house...i grew up with this notion thus i was kinda displeased when it rains....but i'm taking it all back now...no,we havent transferred residence..we still live on the same house near the river, but today i welcome the rain with gusto...it has been awhile since it rained this hard and with everything i see on the news, it looks like we need water, thus raining is now pleasing to my ears...and in contrast to that time when i was still a little girl, i welcome the rain and thank the Lord that He has blessed us with one today...we always equate the rain with suffering and hardships but i disagree because the rain does not bring as difficulties, in fact it brings us blessings..and i guess we are lucky today,tonight that these blessings have poured in....what a way to end my day....

swallow my pride

i have not been writing for the past 9 days.i just keep my hands full with something else but not writing.i feel pretty much ashamed because the guy and i had gone back together and i am now swallowing everything i had said previously. but i really don't know,im not sure if this time it's gonna work or maybe im doing this to get away from my boring life. im just tired of my life!

stupid ego

I had an inkling this would happen. I made a mistake and I could've prevented it from happening. Something inside me has warned me before of the consequences of my actions but I ignored my gut feeling and my ego, my stupid ego willed me to do it. I am now wallowing in self pity, my mind filled with anger over a thing that is actually my own doing.

Today, I wish I can go back to the time when I still haven't taken that big step which was the mistake. I wish I can even erode all the memories that it left me. I feel that I am scarred for life. I know compared to what other people has undergone, cmpared to other peole's lives, mine isn't as difficult and isn't as complicated as I am portraying it now but I just can't help but sigh and blurt out everything.

worries & fears

this has been in my thoughts day in and day out since late last week. it is even eating me up but i dare not confide to anyone my true feelings. My feelings of sadness, worries and guilt. my sister had been complaining of abdominal pain and symptoms that something is wrong with her but i just took it as nothing. although she never told me anything about getting real sick and that her menses had stopped since late last year, i still have feelings of guilt for not being able to take care of her condition early on. right now, her ultrasound showed a very huge mass on her right ovary with multiple uterine myomas. as one who works in the medical field i should have a clinical eye of what has been happening to her but i feel that i neglected that. And now,my guilt stems from the fact that it might be cancer and if it was there late last year then it probably is too big now to be curable when i couldve diagnosed it myself early on. it saddens me so much because my sister is nowhere like me.although she is our eldest but she doesnt act like she is. she is very indecisive and very weak. it pains me to see her looking so afraid and so worried about her condition. i sometimes ask God to just let her be healthy because i cant bear to see her sick and everyone in my family for that matter. id rather have what they have because i know i will be able to endure the pain and anguish and anxiety that one expects from a person with an illness. I ask the Lord to give me the strength to accept whatever the diagnosis and to have the strength to tell her. i am so depressed with regards to this but i dare not let my family see how worried i am. i know they are relying on me for almost everything including strength and confidence and i cannot let them down. at times, i want to give up, it just stresses me out, this life...i dont want anyone in my family to be ill..i want them all to be healthy...id rather be the one to get sick than them and i do mean it.
my problems nowadays are just surmounting...my worries are eating me up i don't know if i can survive another day from too much thinking and worrying. my lovelife is a mess, and i cannot even patch it up, one of my bosses got mad at me for something neglected to do which truly is my fault and i still do not have the guts to approach him and ask for an apology...i know this is but small as compared to what others might have endured..but it is just eating me up and i am so so down.

tatay's day

yup i call my dad "tatay". where i am at, this term is common usage especially by the poor, "papa" for the middle class and "daddy" for the wealthy. So it only means one thing, i belong to the underprivileged. Yet even if we belong to the lower class i am so proud to have my tatay as my father. he may not be the greatest, best dad of all but he is mine and if not for him and mama i wouldn't be here in this world..that alone make me think how special they are to me. I accept, my dad never provided a good life for us, he was not really a good husband and a good father but i think all that has happened in the past are best forgotten and i guess the Lord made it happen that way for a reason and whatever it is i am sure it is for the best. my dad used to be a very determined, authoritative kinda person..being a politician and a lawman that is how he should be...he used to be a very strong person which i looked up to when i was young...asked questions about things and even certain meaning of some English words i was not familiar with. But today, in his late 70s,he has become frail...and helpless without someone aiding him..i wish i could turn back time and make him strong again coz i hate to see him that way but i know it cant be..so deep inside i am trying to accept that he is really becoming aged. i love my father.i may not show it but i do.and this is one tribute to him on this father's day!

mama's day

today is my mom's birthday. shameful on my part coz i don't really know how old she is now..it's not that i have no interest in knowing nor is it that i forgot because i do not care..it's just that she is getting older,in fact, my old folks are in their late 70s...it may be fearsome to think about it but i know i have to face reality soon..and this is probably the reason why i tend not to remember my mother's age, not that i forgot her birthday...of course not. Our family is never that very close knit type. We seldom kiss or hug, we never say love yous to each other yet i feel that we love each other very much minus the expression. I can even feel that i'm distant to them because my butt is always at work and i really do not openly express my love for each and everyone of them but God knows how much i value their presence in my life. I feel i have to be seen as a tough, strong member of our family so much so that i keep my problems private,keep them to myself and try not to bother them with it and maybe this is one thing which makes me seem distant. When i am home or when i'm with them, i always put up a happy face like i'm enjoying life so much yet they do not know that i may have problems too which at times are really unbearable. Just like these days, honestly i am so crushed,so depressed and sad yet i never show it. my problems are my own, they need not know and get bothered by it.
Anyway, my day today is just a typical day at work. Tiring yet fulfilling. Demanding yet exciting. I thank my work for this,coz if i do not enjoy what i do then i'd probably be sulking in a corner now wallowing in self pity but my work puts my worries away. I shouldn't be grumbling. After all, i have the two most essential ingredients of surviving...family and job. And i have the Lord to thank for that!

free at last

i'm almost done with my transfers...i can't wait to finish it so that i can now focus on writing here...and today even though im not yet done with it i decided to write something to just blurt out how i feel...
i don't see myself as really depressed because i still want to be alive. my feeling recently is that of anger and this feeling that i am the most stupidest person alive. everything that went on in my life this past year concerning a guy was a mistake, and i realized it to the fullest only yesterday. i met this guy on the internet more than a year ago. we became friends over the net and he proposed something to me which initially i had refused but in the long run i agreed probably because it was too good an offer and i grabbed the opportunity especially since i haven't been to a foreign country. so i went and in the process i fell for him. little did i know (which, to me, is the most idiotic thing i did), that he is not the guy i thought he was. he, being younger than me, is so fond of girls and i did not know beforehand that he had romantic relations with some of them, some he already met,others only online. all the while i thought he worshipped the ground i walked on, but the more i think about it, the more i got convinced that he was just using me to his advantage. there were already signs that he was a total jerk but i was blinded. he did things i never thought a guy could to a woman he said he loves. i was so oblivious to the fact that one girl even went to his place, just like what i did, and he toured him to the sites we went to...it was the last straw...when i saw the pictures accidentally, i just realized right there and then that he really is not the one for me...i am now awakened from that nightmare and im so glad i woke up still intact. i swear to myself i will never talk to the guy again, not even become friends with him ever. i know he needs me for his schemes but no siree, i am not allowing myself to be used anymore. i know someday someone is still gonna love me and someday someone is going to take his place...and when that time comes i'll have the last laugh..i won't even miss him anymore. im done and over with....and i am finally free!

.....idle.....

by meg havana 30 apr 07
Staring at the four corners of a room can be frustrating. It spells idle. The mind wanders off to certain events, may it be from the past, present or probably even the future, and, most often than not, the circumstances deemed to be hurting are the thoughts that usually creep in. Memories that have been buried, long been forgotten are refreshed, brought up again and the mind starts to bog down, tears commence, fire begins to burn, hate springs up and regret suddenly bounces back.
The blinking of the eyes cannot stop the memories from crawling back and the setting of the sun as it is being stared upon by the sad, blinking eyes cannot even aid in drying up the tears that are starting to well.
The emptiness of the heart now fills up the entire room and a deep, long, meaningful sigh is let out. Silence becomes so deafening.
But then thoughts of someone up there watching switches the mood. The working hands start to wipe away the tears, a smile commences, hope springs up, faith is reborn and the beauty of the sunset is suddenly recognized.
Everything happens for a reason. There is no need to look back, regret and grumble. The most beautiful thing is the opportunity of being. To be content that the sad, blinking eyes sees the setting of the sun, that the working hands are capable of wiping away tears, that the heart aches, that the mind bogs down .
Millions out there are not fortunate enough. Their senses are incomplete, their eyes cannot see, their hands cannot work, their hearts unable to beat on their own, their minds devoid of thinking even the simplest of thoughts.
Today must be the day to stare at the four corners of a room and realize how fortunate it is to be able to do it.
Staring at the four corners of a room, it is not being idle at all!

~~dirty is as dirty does~~

While I was pondering on what topic to write about, I was suddenly reminded that the national elections are forthcoming…and I said to myself why not write something about this event instead of doing an article about myself which, even me, would find utterly boring to read….so anyway…What about the elections? …..Is there something new with this one …Will it have an impact on us? Because as far as I can remember, elections here has always been “chaos” and terror. (Sorry, this topic is after all, still about li’l old selfish me!). I remembered fearing for our lives when I was little because in our small hometown, my father, being the honest politician that he is, would always side with the opposition during the Martial law era and he was one of the most sought out names during elections to be burked so we had to be vigilant at all times…. and I remember too how my mother would clinch in fear since, as a teacher she had to serve for the commission, on election day, and how all those men with guns would make themselves known that they have the power and the authority over everyone… so I grew up with that notion that an election, like politics , is dirty. For me, it is even synonymous with corruption hence I have nothing good to say about it and I proudly say I have never voted for an election since I reached of age…yes I registered but I never show up on election day to cast my vote. Well, who can blame me? Those experiences in the past made me the cynic that I am now. I don’t really know if there’s a punishment for not voting but as far as I am concerned, if people have the right to vote…then I have the right NOT to because honestly not one of those who are running for a position in the government, I reiterate, NOT ONE is truly genuine in their intentions. These people are just there to grab power and corrupt the system more….seeing those politicians on TV making promises make me puke…watching them fooling the people with their promises make me wanna spit on their faces….yeah that is how I abhor them and elections for that matter…and that’s why I think it’s a waste of time to even bother…don’t misconstrue me, I’m just expressing my opinion…you have yours and I’m entitled to mine!....Am I gonna be put behind bars if I choose my right NOT to vote? That, I really have no way of knowing…..All I know is that I live in a free country…and it is probably this too much freedom that makes us become monsters in our own way…

Anyway, do visit me in my prison cell!!

by meg havana
02 Feb 2007

'memories of a good friday'

Yup..today is Good Friday...which, to me, means that I have to stay home and do absolutely nothing unless, I get called in for some job to be done at work as what the life of someone like me entails, being on-call 24/7.When I was still a little girl, the Lenten Season used to be a busy one for me. After all I get to be the star angel during "SUGAT" time, for which I need to practice a lot of songs for the event prior to Easter Sunday. Being THE star angel means I get to be the chosen angel to lift off Mama Mary's black veil and change it with a white one when she & Jesus meet after He gets resurrected on easter morning. My mother would then let me sleep at 7pm on Black Saturday in preparation for my big appearance! and she wakes me up at 10 to get ready to go to the "sugat" area and then I get to wear my angel costume complete with wings strapped on my back which, to be honest, made me so uncomfortable...but the little girl never complained, because as I had said, I loved being "the star".And it wasn't just that, for like 5 yrs in a row, being a star angel means I have to be hoisted up into space, at that time I thought I was high enough to be in heaven...with pulleys,hinges,buckles,cable & all wrapped around me. I stay up there before the re-enactment happens until the procession meets up,with Jesus & Mama Mary below, at which time I get lowered down while blurting the songs I had practiced weeks before....Sometimes I wonder if child labor/welfare would agree with what the adults made me do, if they were already active when I was a kid..
But I enjoyed those times...I certainly miss those times...when after changing the veil I throw out flower petals down and people scramble to get them for their keeping...for whatever reason, up to now it's still a mystery to me. But my mother used to tell me that the flowers I spread were blessed and so these have like some sort of a healing power,miraculous so to speak...and I used to like the idea that the flowers came from my hands but most of all, selfish as it may seem to be, I was a star!I used to be stripped off of my right to play in the afternoon during practice time and as much as i wanted to be with my cousins whom I see at a distant playing along the beach, I wasn't able to since it was honing time and I had to do the songs to perfection...just like an angel would!How I wish I can go back and be an angel again...be as innocent as I was before and not as sensible as I am now, not wise enough to understand what's going on around us, around the world, to make me get sad and disappointed with it! Not prudent enough to opt not to go to church to hear mass on this Good Friday for the shallow reason that it is so hot and the church becomes so crowded! I acknowledge this is not at all a good conviction coming from someone who was once a star angel on Easter!
by meg havana 06 Apr 2007

why women do

Why women do?....this is one question a girl like me should perhaps not ask about….after all, unfortunately for me, I belong to the same species….and as such I should probably know better, but here goes…..
As I was waiting for my friend to finish taking a shower in the female dressing room of one of the biggest, most hi tech fitness place in the city I can’t help but wonder how come I am unusually different from other women….you see as I was sitting on that bench inside the dressing room I was facing a very huge life-sized mirror on the wall and it was flanked by women of all sizes ….as I observed them I began to notice that some were just staring at their images ,some using the hair dryer, others combing their hair like there’s no tomorrow and some applying mascara and all for a gruesome long period of time…and I was really puzzled coz it was already 9pm and It really bewildered me why they take time masking their faces off and making themselves look good than what they think they should when it is already freakin’ late…I mean, why bother? who would look at you anyway, as if someone would, the moment one walks out of that room…coz unlike them, right after the body jam, for which I was just invited to join by a friend of mine who’s a member of that facility, I just decided id take my shower at home and just casually donned back the street clothes I wore when I came, just let my sweat dry, I probably smell bad already but the thing is…who cares? i really believe no one cares how I look and smell, anyway, the space where I parked xap is just so near the facility that I could just jump into the car and head home…so why bother to color my face when im just headin’ home anyway?...i am just so different, although there are times when thoughts prop up in my head about me probably getting pretty if I wear makeup but what the heck…I am satisfied with the way I look, I don’t need colors….and I know for a fact my fashion sense is rotten, but all I know is that as long as im wearing something & I look human enough, im good…haha….and ive never tried taking care of my hair so much so that at times when we run outa shampoo I use laundry soap…seriously!yet I guess my hair is alright…I get to comb it only after taking a shower so that means twice a day…and I never had this thing they call split ends…..so I really don’t know if im normal coz I notice this habit in almost all the women yet I am so unlike them…..
Sorry ladies…I really just don’t get you….wearing make up is not really my thing..pls don’t hate me but in my opinion, it’s a waste of time and money and for what?

meg havana

01 apr 07

sightings

by meg havana18 mar 2007

I went to church again today and I always find something entertaining when I’m there. It’s a place where people from all walks of life gather….and it is this something that makes it interesting not that I go there only to spy on others or to notice how things are but I just can’t help but notice…

Take for example this guy who sat on my left, who on earth could not miss seeing his body full of tattoos or at least from where I was seated, I just presume that he was laden with it even though his arms were the only part I got to lay my eyes on since, of course, he was decently clothed…moreover he was sporting a goatie and to top it all, since he sat next to me, this tiny bit really drew my attention more than the tattoo….a long fingernail on his thumb, makes me wonder what it was for....

Anyway, I go next to this one…to my amazement, I found like ten women bringing along with them a small shoulder bag which looked like jumbo hotdogs…yeah small but jumbo doesn’t follow ha!...man, they’re shaped like baby pillows…even the girl who sat next to me on my left when the tattooed guy just abruptly left in the middle of the mass, she was carrying one too…..well, I’m really lost but are those “jumbo hotdog” bags the in-thing now? I wouldn’t be caught dead carrying it!

Then there were these little girls who, I think, were still in their pre-teens who tried so hard to look like adults. Dressed up like they are going to some social gathering suited for 20-somethings, they sure looked silly “to me”. I wonder why their parents, who were with them, allowed them to accelerate their aging process when they could be visually pleasant in pigtails and could have don clothes as kids their age do. Gosh, they were even on high heels! Children, mind you, are not little adults.

In addition, there was this couple who brought their tiny, I guess, “one-day old” infant to church. Well, I know the baby wasn’t really a day-old alright but hello!.…Can kiddo hear and, most importantly, assimilate the priest’s sermon? Why does one subject an infant to such an environment…..so hot, so noisy, and so full of bacteria? I mean, the kid might just contact something from someone in the vicinity, although I am quite certain neonates have antibodies already in their system the moment they are born which makes them somewhat immune to some things…Pediatricians help me out here! Correct me if I’m wrong coz I had the lesson like a decade ago & I’m kinda rusty ….at least in this subject!

And get this, I got irritated with this couple in front of me who answered a call from their mobile while the mass was ongoing…have they no respect at all? I never bring my phone nor my wallet to church….I even worry that I might not be identified if ever something bad happens to me like when I’m on way home and I got hit by a truck and get mangled so bad that I can’t be identified physically(gory eh!), not even the mole on my right upper lip …..coz I got no identification with me…but I’m not talking about me here….well, I can’t judge them, it might had been an emergency, who knows?

Things I Want But Can't Afford

These are a list of the things i want however cannot afford...well,not just yet anyways....but who knows?

• children...(haha...yup i do wanna have even at least one...although my clock's ticking...can't really save time in a bottle!)


• a brand new Pajero


• Tivo


• nosejob... (i don't really want this seriously...but it's obvious i need one once you see me...


• private jet (just like Travolta's)


• my own hospital


• a mansion (if a boxer can,why can't i)


• a robot for a househelp


• see Wentworth Miller in person (afterwhich i can die smiling!)


• a good-looking,intelligent one-woman boyfriend who won't play around...(this one is next to impossible though...that's why i can't afford this...LOL!)

Who says i can't dream?...it's only when you close your eyes that you can see the unseen!!

being mundane

written sometime in february when we lost our internet connection because of upgrading...

The last two weeks have been so dragging…we lost our internet connection at home in lieu of an NGN connection and I didn’t know it would take that long a time to redo our system…since we acquired the net access at home I had always been routinely surfing every night even for just a short time to check my mails ,surf a little, get updated on some new things, read the news, etc because honestly I rarely chat…and when that routine was suddenly cut off I felt as if I lost something, like I wasn’t an “in” person, like each night something was amiss…..but come to think of it, it was, in a way, beneficial for me coz I get to go to bed early, I got interested in books again and rather than going straight to my room when I arrive home ,open pc and get back from where I left off the night before, I go to the living room and I get to bond with my family or just talk nonsense with them while watching tv……and most of all I got to concentrate on the TV shows I usually watch without any diversions.
In reality, I still am not certain which one is the mundane life for me. Is it the usual life with the net or one minus it?

OD

Chocolates taste bitter, the coffee is sour
The sun is so cold, the scorching rain pours
The birds no longer chirp, they seem to roar
And yellow is not the favourite color anymore

What has become of the eyes that see
The tears, they shed so easily
Are drums broken so as not to hear
For the touch of love is no longer near

The princess has lost her crown
Her maids, they put her down
She journeys all alone without bliss
The end of the world seems to be an abyss

The leaves, they try to tell her a story
That gets her back to fame and glory
Yet it wasn’t meant to last for long
Her heart ceased beating by the end of the song….

by: meg havana
17 Mar 2007

THIS IS NO TARADIDDLE!

This little girl ….she didn’t go to market
This little girl…she just stayed home
This little girl….she had no roast beef
This little girl…she had none at all.

For this little girl…..life’s unfair
For her…everyday is a scare
For no one cared and no one shared
And her soul is crushed till the very end.

The brown eyes that promised to love her to death
Has found someone else and left her heart for dead
From the warmth of some cold winter snow
Now even summer has no glow.

This little girl….she’s chasing her soul
Trying to ask if there’s some sense to it all
This little girl….she only wants to be loved
And yes…after all, unconditionally, from above!


16 mar 2007

meg havana

a sigh is never just a sigh

It’s one of those days when it seems like everything is against me….i wake up and the first thing I do is sigh…it’s one of those times when I ask myself why I cannot detach myself from feeling sorry for a patient and stop blaming myself for anything that happened in the course of a particular treatment…I wonder how others like me can cope up with this stress….how they can go on without asking themselves if it was their fault or it’s just meant to happen…with the type of personality I have, I feel like Im not up for this kinda job, I act like im a weakling and I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself otherwise I will end up a loser….sometimes I would think of quitting and sometimes I tell myself maybe it was better if I took up another course or another specialty….gosh, even as I was writing this I sigh like every 15min….i know myself to be a very negative person, sometimes I need someone to tell me im ok, sometimes I need a friend to talk me out of this zone but at the moment I only have my laptop to lean on….
Deep inside I really know I didn’t do anything wrong, and that it’s just meant to happen yet my negative side won’t stop butting in and making me feel guilty…I know this will come to pass…im sure ill get over this but for now…im pretty much wallowing in self pity and is super stricken with guilt for something I didn’t do and cant prevent from happening….and to me, a sigh is never just a mere sigh…God, I feel so low.

meg havana

16 feb 07

The Best Things In Life Are Free

My own natural highs (not necessarily in chronological order)

1. waking up late in the morning with the TV still on in front of me
2. hugging my two favourite stuffed toys while in bed
3. hearing my dad hum his favourite song
4. eating skyflakes
5. laughing at a really funny forwarded email &/or sms message
6. receiving email from someone everyday telling me he loves me (for real!)
7. listening to my favourite songs on mp3
8. having someone tell me I looked like I lost weight (talk about being vain!)
9. hearing/seeing people enjoying the Sinulog celebration (honest!)
10. wearing sandals that make me look taller
11. beating the red light
12. getting a smile from a stranger I ride with inside the elevator
13. drinking frozen coke
14. hearing someone say thank you
15. getting a smile from a well recovered patient before sending him/her home from the hospital
16. increasing the weights I lift in the gym
17. being at home when the rain starts to pour
18. getting a call from a friend far away (so call me guys, it makes me high!!)
19. seeing a contestant win big money in Deal or No Deal
20. watching the full moon
21. and the list goes on and on…….
But the most important thing is….knowing that the Lord is there to make all these happen (except probably beating the red light)!...LOL
Isn’t it just great knowing that the best things life can offer are free?....Well at least they are, for me!!

meg havana

14 feb 07

the gift

It dawned on me the moment I opened up 360 and read my cousin’s blogs....it hit me like a ton of bricks ….I could never be as good a writer as May….heck I don’t even know how to write…..as I had told her and probably everyone, I love writing but I guess writing doesn’t love me back…for me, it’s like having a green thumb…having an extraordinary ability to titillate one’s senses with words (oftentimes without even using the word “I” like I often do when I write)….and from there anything can thrive well….and I know for a fact she definitely has been endowed with that gift…… that is one heck of a God-given gift, and I am quite sure only a few are chosen ….i have been trying to dig deep into poetry but what the heck nothing rhymes…….so as what I had said in her comment, it makes me real proud to have her blood running through my veins, …or could it be that she got that from the other side?...darn, hope not …but whichever, I am really proud…long live the “B” genes!... and cuz, keep on writing…someday this will really pay off…with that I am certain!

meg havana

06 feb 07

*** the truth of the matter ***

The truth of the matter is…I am fat! Hell yeah, I feel like I am as huge as an elephant and yet no one seems to empathize with me….this has been troubling me for awhile now but since I had some bigger issues to tackle previously I never dealt with it, and so now that I am off the strings, my freakin’ mind won’t let me get away with it….it’s all I ever think about recently….especially since it’s the holidays and pigging out is a must!...I wonder why people tell me otherwise but honestly I really feel fat. I don’t know, it’s probably the fault of these high end cellphones with cameras coz I own one (although not the very recent model) and when I darn have the opportunity like when I’m alone at home or anywhere, believe it or not , I take a shot of myself, complete with the smile and all (haha….sounds weird ha!)…and so I get to see my rounded face, my freckled cheeks ballooning & I just end up deleting the photo and getting depressed….yeah, I know most people do this too, I mean get self-conscious and spend their idle time clicking…or am I the only one?hmmm….well, I think this has something to do with why I think I can’t lose weight no matter how I try…I go on diet, no carbs, up to the point that sometimes I just drink tea the whole freakin’ day and of course I try to go to the gym as regularly as I can, it’s part of the package haha…yet the moment I pig myself out, my cheekbones disappear, my darn tummy rounds, my iliacs shrink and I really hate it when I gain as much as 0.5lbs. And when people I meet tell me I look better coz I looked like I gained some….. I kinda freak out and decide to fast my stomach out…no siree, I’m not anorexic coz I wouldn’t be aware that I have it if I have it and on the contrary I know that I am not thin and I sure wanna be…it would be my pleasure to go down to 70lbs yet how can I when I’m always tempted to devour glorious food and I don’t have the discipline to stay away from it…I am not doing this for anyone, I wanna lose weight for my own satisfaction…and I guess it is next to impossible to attain the weight I dream of having…i.e. 70. Crazy me!

meg havana

27 dec 06

full circle

meg havana

25 Nov 06

I am on top of everything these days….I feel like a winner …..not only because Pacquiao brought home the bacon but also because I made it…after all the self pity and the negative feelings I had been having since day one ,it has been confirmed that I did it…I feel like I am finished with everything and that I am ready now to move on to the latest chapter in my life….I cannot explain my happiness, the sense of fulfilment I am feeling today…now I can leave all my worries behind and be confident in my craft….and I know deep in my heart I couldn’t have done it without the Lord’s help…I am sure of it, coz I previously didn’t ask for His help and look what it caused me….and yet this time, what I did was just to go to church and pray regularly and voila….He did answer my prayers…I never claim to be religious but I do believe in God and His absolute power over us…and for this, I thank Him…..I got the news from the person I look up to with great honor and pride….he was the one who informed me over the phone that I made it….and drama queen that I was, tears just welled and trickled down ..it was one of the best moments of my life…one I can never ever forget….never had my tears been so sweet!...Honestly, all I ever want to do is make everyone I care about proud of me…I waited so long for this moment to come….and now it is finally here…..and I have conquered the odds!.. Boy..i truly am in 7th heaven!...I’ve never been this happy my whole life…and to top it all, as I had mentioned, I always cherish the moments when our country would seem to become one ..and that always come to pass when Pacquiao has a fight….I almost felt the 7,107 islands merge and unify(haha…exagg!!!) …this is one event where young and old alike…rich and poor, huddle together and think the same….that each and every Filipino is proud to be Pinoy…differences are set aside and everyone is an ally…and that really gives me a feeling of happiness and pride…and a wish that if only we are like this to each other everyday, supporting each other instead of crabbing, progress would be much, much easier to attain…if only Pacquiao has a fight everyday…..how I wish…(and so that he would also forget his singing career…or does he have one?...sorry, idol)…