a sigh is never just a sigh

It’s one of those days when it seems like everything is against me….i wake up and the first thing I do is sigh…it’s one of those times when I ask myself why I cannot detach myself from feeling sorry for a patient and stop blaming myself for anything that happened in the course of a particular treatment…I wonder how others like me can cope up with this stress….how they can go on without asking themselves if it was their fault or it’s just meant to happen…with the type of personality I have, I feel like Im not up for this kinda job, I act like im a weakling and I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself otherwise I will end up a loser….sometimes I would think of quitting and sometimes I tell myself maybe it was better if I took up another course or another specialty….gosh, even as I was writing this I sigh like every 15min….i know myself to be a very negative person, sometimes I need someone to tell me im ok, sometimes I need a friend to talk me out of this zone but at the moment I only have my laptop to lean on….
Deep inside I really know I didn’t do anything wrong, and that it’s just meant to happen yet my negative side won’t stop butting in and making me feel guilty…I know this will come to pass…im sure ill get over this but for now…im pretty much wallowing in self pity and is super stricken with guilt for something I didn’t do and cant prevent from happening….and to me, a sigh is never just a mere sigh…God, I feel so low.

meg havana

16 feb 07

The Best Things In Life Are Free

My own natural highs (not necessarily in chronological order)

1. waking up late in the morning with the TV still on in front of me
2. hugging my two favourite stuffed toys while in bed
3. hearing my dad hum his favourite song
4. eating skyflakes
5. laughing at a really funny forwarded email &/or sms message
6. receiving email from someone everyday telling me he loves me (for real!)
7. listening to my favourite songs on mp3
8. having someone tell me I looked like I lost weight (talk about being vain!)
9. hearing/seeing people enjoying the Sinulog celebration (honest!)
10. wearing sandals that make me look taller
11. beating the red light
12. getting a smile from a stranger I ride with inside the elevator
13. drinking frozen coke
14. hearing someone say thank you
15. getting a smile from a well recovered patient before sending him/her home from the hospital
16. increasing the weights I lift in the gym
17. being at home when the rain starts to pour
18. getting a call from a friend far away (so call me guys, it makes me high!!)
19. seeing a contestant win big money in Deal or No Deal
20. watching the full moon
21. and the list goes on and on…….
But the most important thing is….knowing that the Lord is there to make all these happen (except probably beating the red light)!...LOL
Isn’t it just great knowing that the best things life can offer are free?....Well at least they are, for me!!

meg havana

14 feb 07

the gift

It dawned on me the moment I opened up 360 and read my cousin’s blogs....it hit me like a ton of bricks ….I could never be as good a writer as May….heck I don’t even know how to write…..as I had told her and probably everyone, I love writing but I guess writing doesn’t love me back…for me, it’s like having a green thumb…having an extraordinary ability to titillate one’s senses with words (oftentimes without even using the word “I” like I often do when I write)….and from there anything can thrive well….and I know for a fact she definitely has been endowed with that gift…… that is one heck of a God-given gift, and I am quite sure only a few are chosen ….i have been trying to dig deep into poetry but what the heck nothing rhymes…….so as what I had said in her comment, it makes me real proud to have her blood running through my veins, …or could it be that she got that from the other side?...darn, hope not …but whichever, I am really proud…long live the “B” genes!... and cuz, keep on writing…someday this will really pay off…with that I am certain!

meg havana

06 feb 07

*** the truth of the matter ***

The truth of the matter is…I am fat! Hell yeah, I feel like I am as huge as an elephant and yet no one seems to empathize with me….this has been troubling me for awhile now but since I had some bigger issues to tackle previously I never dealt with it, and so now that I am off the strings, my freakin’ mind won’t let me get away with it….it’s all I ever think about recently….especially since it’s the holidays and pigging out is a must!...I wonder why people tell me otherwise but honestly I really feel fat. I don’t know, it’s probably the fault of these high end cellphones with cameras coz I own one (although not the very recent model) and when I darn have the opportunity like when I’m alone at home or anywhere, believe it or not , I take a shot of myself, complete with the smile and all (haha….sounds weird ha!)…and so I get to see my rounded face, my freckled cheeks ballooning & I just end up deleting the photo and getting depressed….yeah, I know most people do this too, I mean get self-conscious and spend their idle time clicking…or am I the only one?hmmm….well, I think this has something to do with why I think I can’t lose weight no matter how I try…I go on diet, no carbs, up to the point that sometimes I just drink tea the whole freakin’ day and of course I try to go to the gym as regularly as I can, it’s part of the package haha…yet the moment I pig myself out, my cheekbones disappear, my darn tummy rounds, my iliacs shrink and I really hate it when I gain as much as 0.5lbs. And when people I meet tell me I look better coz I looked like I gained some….. I kinda freak out and decide to fast my stomach out…no siree, I’m not anorexic coz I wouldn’t be aware that I have it if I have it and on the contrary I know that I am not thin and I sure wanna be…it would be my pleasure to go down to 70lbs yet how can I when I’m always tempted to devour glorious food and I don’t have the discipline to stay away from it…I am not doing this for anyone, I wanna lose weight for my own satisfaction…and I guess it is next to impossible to attain the weight I dream of having…i.e. 70. Crazy me!

meg havana

27 dec 06

full circle

meg havana

25 Nov 06

I am on top of everything these days….I feel like a winner …..not only because Pacquiao brought home the bacon but also because I made it…after all the self pity and the negative feelings I had been having since day one ,it has been confirmed that I did it…I feel like I am finished with everything and that I am ready now to move on to the latest chapter in my life….I cannot explain my happiness, the sense of fulfilment I am feeling today…now I can leave all my worries behind and be confident in my craft….and I know deep in my heart I couldn’t have done it without the Lord’s help…I am sure of it, coz I previously didn’t ask for His help and look what it caused me….and yet this time, what I did was just to go to church and pray regularly and voila….He did answer my prayers…I never claim to be religious but I do believe in God and His absolute power over us…and for this, I thank Him…..I got the news from the person I look up to with great honor and pride….he was the one who informed me over the phone that I made it….and drama queen that I was, tears just welled and trickled down ..it was one of the best moments of my life…one I can never ever forget….never had my tears been so sweet!...Honestly, all I ever want to do is make everyone I care about proud of me…I waited so long for this moment to come….and now it is finally here…..and I have conquered the odds!.. Boy..i truly am in 7th heaven!...I’ve never been this happy my whole life…and to top it all, as I had mentioned, I always cherish the moments when our country would seem to become one ..and that always come to pass when Pacquiao has a fight….I almost felt the 7,107 islands merge and unify(haha…exagg!!!) …this is one event where young and old alike…rich and poor, huddle together and think the same….that each and every Filipino is proud to be Pinoy…differences are set aside and everyone is an ally…and that really gives me a feeling of happiness and pride…and a wish that if only we are like this to each other everyday, supporting each other instead of crabbing, progress would be much, much easier to attain…if only Pacquiao has a fight everyday…..how I wish…(and so that he would also forget his singing career…or does he have one?...sorry, idol)…

~ Prayers....Anyone?~

meg havana

22 Nov 06

One may find this corny and exaggerating or whatever...but mind you, i'm dead serious........i passed an exam recently and i was sure these prayers helped me make it and i know it wont hurt to have it posted as a blog....as a way of thanking the heavens for hearing me out!....for those who are taking me seriously,you might wanna try...nothing to lose,so much to gain!

MY NOVENA ROSE PRAYER

O Little Therese of the Child Jesus, please pick for me a rose from the heavenly gardens and send it to me as a message of love.

O Little Flower of Jesus, ask God today to grant the favors I now place with confidence in your hands....(mention specific requests)

St. Therese, help me to always believe as you did, in God's great love for me, so that i might imitate your "Little Way" each day.

Amen.

PRAYER OF THANKSGIVING

Divine Infant Jesus, I know you love me and would never leave me.

I thank you for your close presence in my life.

Miraculous Infant, I believe in your promise of peace, blessings, and freedom from want.

I place every need of care in your hands.

Lord Jesus, may I always trust in your generous mercy and love.

I want to honor and praise you, now and forever.

Amen.

All Soul's Day

meg havana

14 Nov 06

I got the surprise of my life a forthnight ago when our previous house help texted me late one night while I was in my crib, in the middle of watching my favorite TV show, Las Vegas. The content of the text was hair-raising to me, not just because of the responsibility that particular information was whisked into my hands but more because of the gravity of it and the fact that it happened on Nov 1….as a brief history, our previous helper just went home to our hometown barely a week before this happened….she had a neighbor who came to work for us to replace her…..actually we know this woman because, after all our town isn’t that huge and almost anybody knows everybody….she just arrived the day before and I haven’t even had a real talk with her yet because I usually arrive late at home and leave the house early the next day….so although I know her because she is a “kababayan”…I wasn’t at all ready to reveal to her the content of that text which was sent to me because it was totally about her ….and here’s what it said: “pls tell her that her husband just had an accident and is already dead….”…Whoa! I froze upon reading it, my mobile almost fell off my hands….I turned off the TV and stared real hard at my phone…and I realized how easy it is for me to divulge these kinda information to relatives of patients when the responsibility of spilling the beans is in my hands during this kinda situation but darn….i am not in the hospital….and I know her, though I don’t know the husband…..and my goodness, its not just some news…I placed myself in her shoes and thought how would I react if someone would tell me that my husband (whom I left just a day ago so that I can go somewhere to work and earn money) is no longer there….is already gone…(yeah, I don’t have a husband but I still get the feeling alright..)….the hairs at the back of my neck were already standing…..and I thought this is freakin’ crazy, I don’t think I can handle this…thank God for sisters….so I went downstairs and SOS my sis….she was just playing games in the PC…and our helper was watching TV with the rest of the family, I glanced at her and she had a smile on her face….darn, I really couldn’t do it….so I let my sis read the sms…and she had the same reaction as me…if written exaggeratedly, I would describe us as pale as ghosts!...again both of us went to a higher hierarchy and called up another elder sis who was already asleep in their room…maybe she can do it because she is the one living in our town and knows both the help and the hubby….but again, she got whiter than us….we had weird and absurd ideas…like just telling her her husband had an accident and skip the “dead” part behind but thought against it coz it would be totally unfair on her part…or just telling it to her straight to her face then thought against it again coz …darn…its not just a dog that’s dead……it’s a husband…and knowing that they have 7 kids….the youngest, I was told was still 5 mos old….what could be worse than being given that kinda news!....or just tell her in the morning because she cant go home to our town late at night anyway …trips for home wont be until early morning…but what’s worse there were no boat nor fast craft trips on All Soul’s Day ....anyway, I got this idea (complete with a lighted bulb on top of my head…..hehe) to just call the one who texted me and let her do the talking and so I did…never mind consuming my P100.00 phone credit….hehe…..so I did….and to make the long story short…she got informed through phone…we did feel for her… but she was, after all, I presume, a very strong young woman….she didn’t cry…maybe it wasn’t still sinking in…she asked us what to do because she just went blank….we called her neighbor who has a phone and let her talk to her young son, we gave her financial aid…and I personally drove her to the terminal coz she decided to inform her husband’s family first before proceeding home….
Well, that for me, was one helluva story, I mean…I wouldn’t wanna go through what she has just suffered….I have to thank God for taking care of my family….and sparing us the grief …and lastly, I thank God I am still single..LOL….and that, my friend, is said without an ounce of sour-graping in it!

Can't Get No!

Nowadays, I find myself idle, which unfortunately for me, gives me more time to ponder on what’s going on in my sad, pathetic life. Some five years ago or so, I hardly had the moment to think, hardly had the time to even shower being the mechanical robot that I was in the field that I chose to make a living out of…..back then, I was pretty sure I wished I’d get on with it and leave that kinda life ( with the promise that if I did pull through I am sure to be as happy as a bee, certain to be so contented with my life)…back when, I wished I would have most of the time to myself, wished I could appreciate more the other side of life other than the four corners of the facility where I worked 24/7…well almost 24/7…..and yet,now that I am here…now that I did it and I have most of my time to myself…now I’m pretty sure I wish I can go back to those times when I hardly had the time to think!! Confusing, ain’t it? Or is this just a sign that there is something troubling me, enough for me to do away with much thinking….or probably I am just bored with my everyday life minus the pressure……but who wants pressure anyway? Human beings….just can’t get enough…never get satisfied with what life has to offer…and i'm one of 'em!

(Written at a time when I wanted to get busy to take my mind off bad thoughts)

meg havana

09 Nov 06

**the tale of the seven boring days**

The Tale of the Seven Boring Days
30 September
I just stayed home today…decided to take time off work…I consider myself on leave starting 28 sept until 29 oct….have to put everything on hold to prioritize the most important step im gonna take to becoming full-pledged in my line of work....no need to elaborate…I have tried it twice and landed on my butt twice…..now this is my 3rd time and im making sure I am doing my bestest!! to soar sky high…thus I will be now staying home and concentrate…...as if im good at that!
Coming here to write something is just to calm myself…and besides I miss talking to my buddy online so I had to be online, even for awhile, to be able to catch him….coz today is his birthday….he is 29….can’t miss that…..although, much to my disappointment….ive learned that its not a reciprocal thing…well, to err is human….to make a mistake of forgetting one’s birthday is …err times three…..unforgivable!....nah..just joking!....if youre a little bit confused, don’t worry, that makes two of us!i am kinda nuts …
Gotta go…...feelin guilty already….my tea’s gone cold…aargh!
01 oct 06
Sunday, bloody Sunday…today started out so well for me…..or at least it did, until….well, I woke up “not so late”, went straight to the so-called “garage” in front of the house cum sidewalk to most people who pass by our street and as usual, fed my pet …with diesel….surprised? u shudnt be…...my “pet” is not a breathing thing…..it only comes alive, goes and carries me everywhere when I feed it (its name? Xap)….hehehe…afterwhich I took a shower (to my surprise.. ..for almost an hour…..talk about becoming one of the ladies now eh….but no..never!),dressed up, walked my way to church (no need to bring my pet with me…the church is just a stone’s throw away),this without bringing anything with me except the clothes I donned(hear me….no dress…very loose, low rise maong jeans and a pink shirt which says “genuine babe 100%”) and of course the shades…so I sat down at a pew farthest from the altar(near ,far….same thing…I just dint wanna be noticed), waited for, like a lifetime for,those prayer with intentions(e.g. for the success of the cpa board exam of whoever,etc etc)to be announced before it finally ended.... and so it went, I heard mass…unfortunately the robed guy was talking about the pope and that disastrous passage…..and I thought ive had enough of that ,ive heard of that story for quite a time now already(CNN,BBC,TV Patrol,Bombo,Inday Michelle??hehe)…..so I imagined padre was singing and..... voila,his voice lulled me to sleep….but nope I actually didn’t…….i just played peek-a-boo (in secret)with this kid in front of me..who was just staring at me the whole time…made me think…what the hell’s wrong with me..it can't be this brown,scattered,ugly melasma thing on my cheeks…I mean its not like a handsome young guy is staring…it’s a barely 2-yr old tot…it kinda freaked me out…maybe he has never seen them braces before…yeah, thats probably it…anyway, so I just went with the flow, sang hymns then thought against it coz I remembered I forgot to brush my teeth before leaving…oh growse!!!...and an hour and a half later I was walking my way home…relieved to have beaten the odds and gone back to church for the first time in years! Yeah!.. ..and God probably heard me..he let some guys at the back of a car say hi to me while they passed by….of course I wasn’t strutting or something…..catwalking’s not my thing…and im too short…so my thoughts about it?..that it’s either I look too stupid for them to have the courage to do that..or I look good…nah…never!....or maybe..it’s the shirt Im wearing….hmmm!
Well....to make the story short…everything today went smoothly …except for one bloody thing which happened over the net….no need to expound on the issue but I got pissed off…I still am….well,I guess maybe it is my fault and now I cannot f------ concentrate..been reading a page 3 f------ times and I can’t comprehend what I’m reading!this brain is freakin’ doomed…pulped!blame it on me….i am just gonna sleep it off…
02 Oct. 06
Well……sleep..or the lack of it….hasn’t helped my mood when I woke up early….nothing to do…just the usual….i sound like a bum…..in fact, I think I am …nothing good to write….my shell’s empty today…drained like an energizer battery slave-worked for a week…going online every now and then….thinking of a worthwhile thing to do….sometimes it feels good to be idle…but I know it wont be so good for my pocket if this keeps going on…didn’t even watch tv….miss my being a couch potato…..going to the john all too often…blame it on the tea…downed some lechon manok with spanish bread…..nice combo..and feeling guilty afterwards for pigging out…chatted with my net buddies for like 10 only…and felt like I handled the day well….tough day for a bum like me……looking forward to 03.My,how time flies!i still don’t have the jitters and im puzzled.
03 Oct. 06
Cant help myself, I had to go to my workplace…..got tired of staring at the 4 corners of my room….it’s like life in incarceration……i really have to behave myself then coz I think life in prison is anything but a bed of roses…..unless, cors…my cellmate is went…i mean…id do anything bad(hell yeah!) provided I get to become cellmates with him….my dream guy….and it was good that I went there(workplace not prison)……I was greeted by the sight of food, glorious food…someone big was having a birthday and I grabbed some…..spaghetti, cake, ice cream, pansit, etc, etc….talk about pigging out again..uhhh…..id go on diet tomorrow then!
Another thing which made me decide to go out was I miss my pet…..and the loud booming sound of my subs….so I played avril’s cd on my way and loved it…someone just recently told me why sometimes I think im old and the other times I say im still young…I don’t know the answer…but when I did play the cd I felt super young….haha…like I wont be turning the big three five come 20…
04 Oct. 06
It’s my uncle’s bday today..yeah I did remember..but my tatay dodong has been long gone….defeated by cancer….yeah it’s in my blood, I should live a healthy life(although im not right now)…I used to remember him when he was healthy…but more when he got sick….i was still little then (well, im still little now)…he had a tube coming outa his chest…..i was puzzled then why was that so….one of the things which pushed me to strive and be the one to insert a chest tube on someone….and now I can do it…with eyes closed?.....nah….thats unthinkable……so,my uncle…im sure he’s at peace now…wherever God might have placed him….
Nothing new with me today…same old routine….went to workplace, faxed something,..and oh I did watch tv….news….new cd played on stereo….the one my buddy burned for me….the songs are supposed to be his favourites so i gotta listen…it’s not that I haven’t, I did play them before but still haven’t heard each song, theyre so many….i like track #63…..it puts me into a trance…actually, I like the songs I’ve heard so far…kinda like meditation songs, as he would put it, nice while driving……that’s about it….this is my fifth boring day…I wonder if ill ever get out of this?im crossing my fingers, hope itll be a better one tomorrow…gotta go…csi is coming up soon!
05 Oct. 06
Nah! it sure isn’t a better one today….its a little bit disappointing…..no actually it’s a big bit!As always, no need to expound…im storing the details in the recesses of my brain….cant divulge everything…..there are things better left unsaid..
Anyway, im having a backache now…..maybe from too much stooping…..and the fact that I haven’t been to the gym for 2 weeks now….i miss it very much..i miss the people there even more…. Im not so loud today, cant think of anything exciting to say…..my shoulders are a little bit slumped, I feel like the world’s against me, feel like something really bad is gonna happen soon….oh one thing, my sister is away….i kinda enjoy sleeping in the room alone, for a change….in my birthday suit!
Honestly, im really sad today….
06 oct o6
Houston we have a problem!....today is the 7th day of my so called deadening days…..so much time, so little to do…so much time to think about how my week went by, how I got irked and how dull I am…as usual…the girl woke up late, had a headache, downed some pill for it…went down,drank tea,went back up,stared at the ceiling..even the lizards aren’t in harmony with me…..theyre nowhere to be found….did something worthwhile, got bored again, went down, took a shower, ate hotdog, went online, nothing good came out, went back up,took a nap,…and finally ive had it….i am super duper bored I had to get out of the house!!!...just drove…listened to the boom on stereo…I burned some music I got from ares…madonna,weird al,teddy geiger(whoever he is!),Wilson Phillips…I cudnt listen to them all….nothin’s freakin going on…aaah…I am tired of this ho-hum! .....as the song goes...."things are going your way,hold on for one more day.."

"THERE IS NO GREATER SORROW THAN TO RECALL IN MISERY THE TIME WHEN WE WERE HAPPY."

Maybe i am destined to be sad....perhaps i was born to be depressed....i don't know coz whatever i do in my life i never seem to do things right. There's always something i had done which is remorseful and each time i blame myself for it..well, it's but natural to feel that way. I never do things correctly. The people who care for me can always tell me " i told you so & by then it's already too late". I now think "mistake" is my twin,it never leaves me.
I find it unfair on my part though...that when somebody else does something to hurt me to the fullest, i can live with it, i forgive and try so much to forget...yet when i err, i am made to realize how detestful i am and i bring the feeling with me 24/7, it bores into my being and makes me aware what kind of person i am. Maybe i havent done a single good deed in my life coz no one remembers?

In all honesty, i used to be a happy-go-lucky,life-of-the-party,carefree kinda person....i dunno why im turning into a sad, irrational, depressed individual i am now.
I know i need prayers but i fail to constantly do it....i just wanna rest from all these...life is so unfair to me...yet i know im not supposed to grumble and complain....i dont have the peace of mind & yet i feel i deserve everything that has happened to me....sometimes i wanna cease to exist...i am really tired.

meg havana

19 aug 06

You'll Never Know

I hate being sick. Well who doesnt,right? Much more for me because my line of work is in treating the sick and knowing that instead of me tending to the ill, I'm the one being attended to, it sucks real bad! And what sucks the more? The realization that you'll never know what will happen to you. Just like what happened to me the other day, one moment i was gaily lifting weights in the gym, the next thing i knew blood was oozing from my left nostril, then the right for no reason at all. As blood so warmly trickled from my nose I said to myself...my God, why me,and why now? And why not those people who pick their noses even in public. They should be the ones, since they are a sore sight for the eyes to see....but me? What the heck did i do? I was just lifting weights, for crying out loud. And each time I move, more blood trickles out and down my throat, I spitted out profuse amounts of blood clots unto the hotel-owned towel. Gosh! Who cares who owns that darn towel. I have to stop this bleeding was all I can muster. Trying to remember what I learned in training, I just pressed my nose, asked for ice but I had been pressing it for like eternity and yet it continued gushing out I probably looked like a boxer who lost in a bout. At this point I thought, well, guess it's really time for me to ask for help, just be the sick person who goes to a hospital to be taken cared of by someone like me. What the heck! This is happening to me, for real! I need to live! I have to! And so to make the long story short, I was taken cared of in the hospital, and after a grueling 2 hours of pressing my nose, while waiting in the lounge for the specific light to be available (yes,of all the days I chose my nose to bleed, I chose that day, when the light source was used for another procedure that same day, that same time, in the same hospital..tough luck ha!). The bleeding finally ceased, thanks to the heaven-sent?? adrenaline and to the calm disposition of one of my bosses who put me at ease and assured me that everything will be fine, who told me the next time I use crayola, I should use it properly?(grrr!!) So much so that even in my scariest day, I managed to smile.

So there, you'll really never know what's in store for you. Lesson learned? Don't lift weights?haha...no. The thing is, as what Og Mandino had written in one of his books (which unfortunately I have no recollection of the title), you have to treat each day of your life as if it were your last. Make the most of it coz you'll never know what will happen to you. Moreover, life can turn the tables on you, one moment you feel like you're the strongest of strongs, the next thing you know, you seem like you're the weakest link, at the beck and call of someone who is in charge of the situation, leaving you too tired to even care except to survive that situation and get it over with....I DID!

meg havana

25 mar 06

~Valentine's Day~

(written a month after feb 14...just the typical negative thinker that i am!)

a month or so has passed since "the world" supposedly celebrated the famous Valentine's day....i had doubts whether to publish what i wrote about this day since it's already "passe" but i got to thinking,what harm would it do me..what the heck...im doing it today anyway..so here goes......

VALENTINE'S DAY

I'm one of those individuals who do not believe in Valentine's day....i mean,what is this all about? A day for lovers?....or for brothers (not literally "brothers"..but i mean family....just using the word brother to rhyme it with lover!)? Technically, for me,Feb 14, is just like AGE...IT'S JUST A NUMBER and nothing more! I know a lot of people will raise their eyebrows,disagree with me,and will probably think that i'm just a sour-graping,disparaging,pessimistic loser...but...whatever! Honestly,we can all express love everyday and not only on that particular day...we can give love gifts every single day and not because it's darn Valentine's day.
You see, it's not even a legal holiday because the fact is....it's just an ordinary day. Imagine if we express love to our "brothers" everyday, we'd all understand each other and minimize, if not, completely eradicate chaos and selfishness amongst ourselves....wouldn't this world be a better place to live?
But then,this is just my own opinion.....

meg havana

13 mar 06

FIORELLA

this is actually a poem written by a long lost friend...her name is fiorella...we sent each other letters more than a decade ago but lost touch since then...in one of her letters she shared to me one of the poems she personally composed and translated in English for me to understand...girl,wherever you are today....allow me to publish your game of words...

RED LIKE THE BLOOD

Some pictures which flash, all incoherent
Like in the nightmare of a restless night
Life doesn't dress in pink, neither in black moreover
But it dresses up death in red.
There, a child protects himself behind the shadow of his rifle;
Playing: he doesn't know its significance
They only taught him violence as a vim of human dignity
In his memory wipe the shoutings
The uproar of the guns and the explosions
Already, he doesn't look anymore at hundred bones buried behind him
A red headband fastened around his head, he walks;
But his life is the war and as the war is death
In advance he is irreconcilably convicted
Somewhere he is already dead
Because childhood has been killed.
Where must we look for the frontier between peace and the horror
When hatred sinks in the heart's blindness?
And everything topples over at each second under the legs' collapses:
In the race, something blocks without knowing why
And suddenly the back howls of blood, the face distorts,
The eyes want to say, but it's too late..
Find the mistake!

Fio, in case you find me and you read this...i have never forgotten you girl...even though the letters ceased to come, and we've moved on to the next step,you're always here in my heart...and i promise i will find you!

meg havana

11 feb 06

N.B. the good news is, i have found Fiorella again..after i published this poem in another site i also wrote her a letter using her old address just hoping she is still living in that same place and i snail mailed it...a month after that...i got an email from her..and that really made me happy!

the eighties

if it's too loud, you're too old.....this is kinda true for me..coz during the 80s(where i think i belong), any kind of music was never too loud for me...i can groove from Madonna's "Like a Virgin"(yeah!really!) to Bon Jovi's "You give Love a Bad Name"or to Guns N Roses' "Sweet Child of Mine" at the maximum volume without flinching, but nowadays, i find clubs & bars too loud and i find my nephew's electric guitar too irritating, it's as if the note would pierce my eardrums then leave me deaf....or is it the kind of music we get to listen to today?..or am i trying to imply that today's music is trash so that i won't be judged as getting older?..Hmmm....makes me wanna walk down memory lane....when there was a boy who promised to love me and only me till death(wow!),when we vowed to be together forever with the sound of Air Supply's "I Can Wait Forever" in the background....which when i am reminisced i wanna puke...which i already buried inside the depths of my mind til now....since the thought of it makes me sick...but that was so cute then...haha...and that's why the music of the 80s is,to me,the greatest there is...twas the time when i joined a dance contest & we chosed Van Halen's "Jump" as our music and during the actual performance, one graceful kick and my right shoe,which i just borrowed from a friend for that particular event,went flying off my foot and offstage,which fortunately or unfortunately(?) did not hit one of the judges and yet i made it through like a pro!..80s was that time when i cried so hard listening to Klymaxx's "I Miss You", each time it was aired over the radio because the guy who vowed to love me,dissed me for someone else after almost 3 years,dumped me for a girl,who i thought was far better than me....and i really thought i can't go on?...At this point, one might laugh at me so darn hard for being so stupid & naive but that was me during the 80s.
i've grown a lot since then,i've gotten stronger,wiser,more mature, less stupid over the years.....(or am i?)..but i'll never forget the 80s...

meg havana

10 feb 06

GIVING UP

i wrote this after i failed again in my oral exams... i got so depressed and i wanted to give up.

giving up what you've always wanted in life is indeed a very difficult thing to do...deciding on whether to go on or just give up is even harder...sometimes relying on fate as the one putting you to where you should be is good but i know hard work and determination is better.....failing once in an exam is accceptable for me....twice is already so shameful on my part i try to separate , isolate myself from the people around....consoling words dont matter...people dont really know how i feel....and i only got me to blame for my loss.....is it coz i lack the knowledge that i have supposedly learned for the several years that i had been in training...or is it because i lack the confidence to deal with a situation such as a verbal exam in front of examiners...or is it simply because the neurons in my brain are just that of a nitwit?My world,just as the song goes, typically gets smaller everyday...

meg havana

02 oct 05

pls. don't read...........again!

this is a follow-up of my first ever written blog , done 5 days after it , inspired by the fact that i received comments from people i haven't met before..probably because of the catchy title of that first blog....so here goes:

funny how i titled my first blog "pls don't read" and in like, less than a week i got 3 comments ....gotta thank jerry, romeo & rommel for keeping my spirits up...thanks guys!!! even if i really don't know you and i might never will (or who knows?)you found time to write me a word or two....i just thought it amusing how reverse psychology affects us people...i got the idea for the title when one time i passed by this bulletin board in the place where i work and i saw a post which said "pls don't read" and im pretty sure almost everyone if not everyone took an interest in what that was all about....including me, of course! so,i just find it fulfilling in my part that even though i blabbered about me being boring....i got three,not one but three comments from what i wrote...and if i ask you...if you get three comments from a blog...would you say it's only three or wow three! so c'mon make a comment...it wont hurt..i have to remind you though...if its a bad remark....dont blame it on me coz i told you not to read...again!!!

meg havana

18 aug 05

twist

written 13 aug 05...i was probably starting to get hooked with blogging that even if it's not worth writing i typed....

well im back thinking of a topic i can write...i spent half of my day playing text twist in my mobile ...i kinda play it when i have nothing to do, or when im waiting for something and yet i still cant do it to perfection.....imagine how boring i am, a person spending half a day just text twisting my thumbs are already sore from pressing the phone keys..and worse it takes up battery quick if my charger can talk itd be screaming from exhaustion....

meg havana

13 aug 05

Pls. don't read!

this was the very first blog i wrote in another site...i had no idea then what blogging is...and i just tried to open one...written 12 Aug 05 ....entitled " please don't read":

i have no idea what im gonna write..i just created this blog and i dont even know what that means or what im supposed to do here..but well theres no harm in trying as long this is free...or is this?im not even expecting someone to read this but well i aint a story teller and im boring so thats probably fine with me....i cant even think of a topic to write on or anything interesting to write..just my thoughts...in the future probably i'd write about what my day will be like or if i get frustrated or depressed but for now i guess this will suffice...cool eh!

meg havana

12 aug 05

a place to hide

i don't know why i am here....all i know is that i have to write something where nobody knows me...and i am certain this is a good place to hide....

what i want to do is post my previous writings here and make sure i add daily blogs to act as my diary...i know i do not have what it takes to write, i don't have the green thumb but i just feel i need to express my feelings and not let someone i know read it ..i really don't know because right now i feel so down, things are not working so well with me and my partner and there's just a lump in my throat, and i am very depressed.

anyway, i am going to post the work i have done which i posted in other sites and place the exact date that i wrote them...i am not really a writer....no flowery or some deep, intellectual words i can write but i guess nobody probably actually cares, no one would probably take some interest and that is good for me.

meg havana

13may07