a sigh is never just a sigh

It’s one of those days when it seems like everything is against me….i wake up and the first thing I do is sigh…it’s one of those times when I ask myself why I cannot detach myself from feeling sorry for a patient and stop blaming myself for anything that happened in the course of a particular treatment…I wonder how others like me can cope up with this stress….how they can go on without asking themselves if it was their fault or it’s just meant to happen…with the type of personality I have, I feel like Im not up for this kinda job, I act like im a weakling and I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself otherwise I will end up a loser….sometimes I would think of quitting and sometimes I tell myself maybe it was better if I took up another course or another specialty….gosh, even as I was writing this I sigh like every 15min….i know myself to be a very negative person, sometimes I need someone to tell me im ok, sometimes I need a friend to talk me out of this zone but at the moment I only have my laptop to lean on….
Deep inside I really know I didn’t do anything wrong, and that it’s just meant to happen yet my negative side won’t stop butting in and making me feel guilty…I know this will come to pass…im sure ill get over this but for now…im pretty much wallowing in self pity and is super stricken with guilt for something I didn’t do and cant prevent from happening….and to me, a sigh is never just a mere sigh…God, I feel so low.

meg havana

16 feb 07