*** the truth of the matter ***

The truth of the matter is…I am fat! Hell yeah, I feel like I am as huge as an elephant and yet no one seems to empathize with me….this has been troubling me for awhile now but since I had some bigger issues to tackle previously I never dealt with it, and so now that I am off the strings, my freakin’ mind won’t let me get away with it….it’s all I ever think about recently….especially since it’s the holidays and pigging out is a must!...I wonder why people tell me otherwise but honestly I really feel fat. I don’t know, it’s probably the fault of these high end cellphones with cameras coz I own one (although not the very recent model) and when I darn have the opportunity like when I’m alone at home or anywhere, believe it or not , I take a shot of myself, complete with the smile and all (haha….sounds weird ha!)…and so I get to see my rounded face, my freckled cheeks ballooning & I just end up deleting the photo and getting depressed….yeah, I know most people do this too, I mean get self-conscious and spend their idle time clicking…or am I the only one?hmmm….well, I think this has something to do with why I think I can’t lose weight no matter how I try…I go on diet, no carbs, up to the point that sometimes I just drink tea the whole freakin’ day and of course I try to go to the gym as regularly as I can, it’s part of the package haha…yet the moment I pig myself out, my cheekbones disappear, my darn tummy rounds, my iliacs shrink and I really hate it when I gain as much as 0.5lbs. And when people I meet tell me I look better coz I looked like I gained some….. I kinda freak out and decide to fast my stomach out…no siree, I’m not anorexic coz I wouldn’t be aware that I have it if I have it and on the contrary I know that I am not thin and I sure wanna be…it would be my pleasure to go down to 70lbs yet how can I when I’m always tempted to devour glorious food and I don’t have the discipline to stay away from it…I am not doing this for anyone, I wanna lose weight for my own satisfaction…and I guess it is next to impossible to attain the weight I dream of having…i.e. 70. Crazy me!

meg havana

27 dec 06