yup i call my dad "tatay". where i am at, this term is common usage especially by the poor, "papa" for the middle class and "daddy" for the wealthy. So it only means one thing, i belong to the underprivileged. Yet even if we belong to the lower class i am so proud to have my tatay as my father. he may not be the greatest, best dad of all but he is mine and if not for him and mama i wouldn't be here in this world..that alone make me think how special they are to me. I accept, my dad never provided a good life for us, he was not really a good husband and a good father but i think all that has happened in the past are best forgotten and i guess the Lord made it happen that way for a reason and whatever it is i am sure it is for the best. my dad used to be a very determined, authoritative kinda person..being a politician and a lawman that is how he should be...he used to be a very strong person which i looked up to when i was young...asked questions about things and even certain meaning of some English words i was not familiar with. But today, in his late 70s,he has become frail...and helpless without someone aiding him..i wish i could turn back time and make him strong again coz i hate to see him that way but i know it cant be..so deep inside i am trying to accept that he is really becoming aged. i love my father.i may not show it but i do.and this is one tribute to him on this father's day!
17 June 2007
14 June 2007
mama's day
today is my mom's birthday. shameful on my part coz i don't really know how old she is now..it's not that i have no interest in knowing nor is it that i forgot because i do not care..it's just that she is getting older,in fact, my old folks are in their late 70s...it may be fearsome to think about it but i know i have to face reality soon..and this is probably the reason why i tend not to remember my mother's age, not that i forgot her birthday...of course not. Our family is never that very close knit type. We seldom kiss or hug, we never say love yous to each other yet i feel that we love each other very much minus the expression. I can even feel that i'm distant to them because my butt is always at work and i really do not openly express my love for each and everyone of them but God knows how much i value their presence in my life. I feel i have to be seen as a tough, strong member of our family so much so that i keep my problems private,keep them to myself and try not to bother them with it and maybe this is one thing which makes me seem distant. When i am home or when i'm with them, i always put up a happy face like i'm enjoying life so much yet they do not know that i may have problems too which at times are really unbearable. Just like these days, honestly i am so crushed,so depressed and sad yet i never show it. my problems are my own, they need not know and get bothered by it.
Anyway, my day today is just a typical day at work. Tiring yet fulfilling. Demanding yet exciting. I thank my work for this,coz if i do not enjoy what i do then i'd probably be sulking in a corner now wallowing in self pity but my work puts my worries away. I shouldn't be grumbling. After all, i have the two most essential ingredients of surviving...family and job. And i have the Lord to thank for that!
12 June 2007
free at last
i'm almost done with my transfers...i can't wait to finish it so that i can now focus on writing here...and today even though im not yet done with it i decided to write something to just blurt out how i feel...
i don't see myself as really depressed because i still want to be alive. my feeling recently is that of anger and this feeling that i am the most stupidest person alive. everything that went on in my life this past year concerning a guy was a mistake, and i realized it to the fullest only yesterday. i met this guy on the internet more than a year ago. we became friends over the net and he proposed something to me which initially i had refused but in the long run i agreed probably because it was too good an offer and i grabbed the opportunity especially since i haven't been to a foreign country. so i went and in the process i fell for him. little did i know (which, to me, is the most idiotic thing i did), that he is not the guy i thought he was. he, being younger than me, is so fond of girls and i did not know beforehand that he had romantic relations with some of them, some he already met,others only online. all the while i thought he worshipped the ground i walked on, but the more i think about it, the more i got convinced that he was just using me to his advantage. there were already signs that he was a total jerk but i was blinded. he did things i never thought a guy could to a woman he said he loves. i was so oblivious to the fact that one girl even went to his place, just like what i did, and he toured him to the sites we went to...it was the last straw...when i saw the pictures accidentally, i just realized right there and then that he really is not the one for me...i am now awakened from that nightmare and im so glad i woke up still intact. i swear to myself i will never talk to the guy again, not even become friends with him ever. i know he needs me for his schemes but no siree, i am not allowing myself to be used anymore. i know someday someone is still gonna love me and someday someone is going to take his place...and when that time comes i'll have the last laugh..i won't even miss him anymore. im done and over with....and i am finally free!
09 June 2007
.....idle.....
Staring at the four corners of a room can be frustrating. It spells idle. The mind wanders off to certain events, may it be from the past, present or probably even the future, and, most often than not, the circumstances deemed to be hurting are the thoughts that usually creep in. Memories that have been buried, long been forgotten are refreshed, brought up again and the mind starts to bog down, tears commence, fire begins to burn, hate springs up and regret suddenly bounces back.
The blinking of the eyes cannot stop the memories from crawling back and the setting of the sun as it is being stared upon by the sad, blinking eyes cannot even aid in drying up the tears that are starting to well.
The emptiness of the heart now fills up the entire room and a deep, long, meaningful sigh is let out. Silence becomes so deafening.
But then thoughts of someone up there watching switches the mood. The working hands start to wipe away the tears, a smile commences, hope springs up, faith is reborn and the beauty of the sunset is suddenly recognized.
Everything happens for a reason. There is no need to look back, regret and grumble. The most beautiful thing is the opportunity of being. To be content that the sad, blinking eyes sees the setting of the sun, that the working hands are capable of wiping away tears, that the heart aches, that the mind bogs down .
Millions out there are not fortunate enough. Their senses are incomplete, their eyes cannot see, their hands cannot work, their hearts unable to beat on their own, their minds devoid of thinking even the simplest of thoughts.
Today must be the day to stare at the four corners of a room and realize how fortunate it is to be able to do it.
Staring at the four corners of a room, it is not being idle at all!
08 June 2007
~~dirty is as dirty does~~
While I was pondering on what topic to write about, I was suddenly reminded that the national elections are forthcoming…and I said to myself why not write something about this event instead of doing an article about myself which, even me, would find utterly boring to read….so anyway…What about the elections? …..Is there something new with this one …Will it have an impact on us? Because as far as I can remember, elections here has always been “chaos” and terror. (Sorry, this topic is after all, still about li’l old selfish me!). I remembered fearing for our lives when I was little because in our small hometown, my father, being the honest politician that he is, would always side with the opposition during the Martial law era and he was one of the most sought out names during elections to be burked so we had to be vigilant at all times…. and I remember too how my mother would clinch in fear since, as a teacher she had to serve for the commission, on election day, and how all those men with guns would make themselves known that they have the power and the authority over everyone… so I grew up with that notion that an election, like politics , is dirty. For me, it is even synonymous with corruption hence I have nothing good to say about it and I proudly say I have never voted for an election since I reached of age…yes I registered but I never show up on election day to cast my vote. Well, who can blame me? Those experiences in the past made me the cynic that I am now. I don’t really know if there’s a punishment for not voting but as far as I am concerned, if people have the right to vote…then I have the right NOT to because honestly not one of those who are running for a position in the government, I reiterate, NOT ONE is truly genuine in their intentions. These people are just there to grab power and corrupt the system more….seeing those politicians on TV making promises make me puke…watching them fooling the people with their promises make me wanna spit on their faces….yeah that is how I abhor them and elections for that matter…and that’s why I think it’s a waste of time to even bother…don’t misconstrue me, I’m just expressing my opinion…you have yours and I’m entitled to mine!....Am I gonna be put behind bars if I choose my right NOT to vote? That, I really have no way of knowing…..All I know is that I live in a free country…and it is probably this too much freedom that makes us become monsters in our own way…
Anyway, do visit me in my prison cell!!
by meg havana
02 Feb 2007
'memories of a good friday'
But I enjoyed those times...I certainly miss those times...when after changing the veil I throw out flower petals down and people scramble to get them for their keeping...for whatever reason, up to now it's still a mystery to me. But my mother used to tell me that the flowers I spread were blessed and so these have like some sort of a healing power,miraculous so to speak...and I used to like the idea that the flowers came from my hands but most of all, selfish as it may seem to be, I was a star!I used to be stripped off of my right to play in the afternoon during practice time and as much as i wanted to be with my cousins whom I see at a distant playing along the beach, I wasn't able to since it was honing time and I had to do the songs to perfection...just like an angel would!How I wish I can go back and be an angel again...be as innocent as I was before and not as sensible as I am now, not wise enough to understand what's going on around us, around the world, to make me get sad and disappointed with it! Not prudent enough to opt not to go to church to hear mass on this Good Friday for the shallow reason that it is so hot and the church becomes so crowded! I acknowledge this is not at all a good conviction coming from someone who was once a star angel on Easter!
by meg havana 06 Apr 2007
why women do
As I was waiting for my friend to finish taking a shower in the female dressing room of one of the biggest, most hi tech fitness place in the city I can’t help but wonder how come I am unusually different from other women….you see as I was sitting on that bench inside the dressing room I was facing a very huge life-sized mirror on the wall and it was flanked by women of all sizes ….as I observed them I began to notice that some were just staring at their images ,some using the hair dryer, others combing their hair like there’s no tomorrow and some applying mascara and all for a gruesome long period of time…and I was really puzzled coz it was already 9pm and It really bewildered me why they take time masking their faces off and making themselves look good than what they think they should when it is already freakin’ late…I mean, why bother? who would look at you anyway, as if someone would, the moment one walks out of that room…coz unlike them, right after the body jam, for which I was just invited to join by a friend of mine who’s a member of that facility, I just decided id take my shower at home and just casually donned back the street clothes I wore when I came, just let my sweat dry, I probably smell bad already but the thing is…who cares? i really believe no one cares how I look and smell, anyway, the space where I parked xap is just so near the facility that I could just jump into the car and head home…so why bother to color my face when im just headin’ home anyway?...i am just so different, although there are times when thoughts prop up in my head about me probably getting pretty if I wear makeup but what the heck…I am satisfied with the way I look, I don’t need colors….and I know for a fact my fashion sense is rotten, but all I know is that as long as im wearing something & I look human enough, im good…haha….and ive never tried taking care of my hair so much so that at times when we run outa shampoo I use laundry soap…seriously!yet I guess my hair is alright…I get to comb it only after taking a shower so that means twice a day…and I never had this thing they call split ends…..so I really don’t know if im normal coz I notice this habit in almost all the women yet I am so unlike them…..
Sorry ladies…I really just don’t get you….wearing make up is not really my thing..pls don’t hate me but in my opinion, it’s a waste of time and money and for what?
sightings
I went to church again today and I always find something entertaining when I’m there. It’s a place where people from all walks of life gather….and it is this something that makes it interesting not that I go there only to spy on others or to notice how things are but I just can’t help but notice…
Take for example this guy who sat on my left, who on earth could not miss seeing his body full of tattoos or at least from where I was seated, I just presume that he was laden with it even though his arms were the only part I got to lay my eyes on since, of course, he was decently clothed…moreover he was sporting a goatie and to top it all, since he sat next to me, this tiny bit really drew my attention more than the tattoo….a long fingernail on his thumb, makes me wonder what it was for....
Anyway, I go next to this one…to my amazement, I found like ten women bringing along with them a small shoulder bag which looked like jumbo hotdogs…yeah small but jumbo doesn’t follow ha!...man, they’re shaped like baby pillows…even the girl who sat next to me on my left when the tattooed guy just abruptly left in the middle of the mass, she was carrying one too…..well, I’m really lost but are those “jumbo hotdog” bags the in-thing now? I wouldn’t be caught dead carrying it!
Then there were these little girls who, I think, were still in their pre-teens who tried so hard to look like adults. Dressed up like they are going to some social gathering suited for 20-somethings, they sure looked silly “to me”. I wonder why their parents, who were with them, allowed them to accelerate their aging process when they could be visually pleasant in pigtails and could have don clothes as kids their age do. Gosh, they were even on high heels! Children, mind you, are not little adults.
In addition, there was this couple who brought their tiny, I guess, “one-day old” infant to church. Well, I know the baby wasn’t really a day-old alright but hello!.…Can kiddo hear and, most importantly, assimilate the priest’s sermon? Why does one subject an infant to such an environment…..so hot, so noisy, and so full of bacteria? I mean, the kid might just contact something from someone in the vicinity, although I am quite certain neonates have antibodies already in their system the moment they are born which makes them somewhat immune to some things…Pediatricians help me out here! Correct me if I’m wrong coz I had the lesson like a decade ago & I’m kinda rusty ….at least in this subject!
And get this, I got irritated with this couple in front of me who answered a call from their mobile while the mass was ongoing…have they no respect at all? I never bring my phone nor my wallet to church….I even worry that I might not be identified if ever something bad happens to me like when I’m on way home and I got hit by a truck and get mangled so bad that I can’t be identified physically(gory eh!), not even the mole on my right upper lip …..coz I got no identification with me…but I’m not talking about me here….well, I can’t judge them, it might had been an emergency, who knows?
07 June 2007
Things I Want But Can't Afford
These are a list of the things i want however cannot afford...well,not just yet anyways....but who knows?
- children...(haha...yup i do wanna have even at least one...although my clock's ticking...can't really save time in a bottle!)
- a brand new Pajero
- Tivo
- nosejob... (i don't really want this seriously...but it's obvious i need one once you see me...
- private jet (just like Travolta's)
- my own hospital
- a mansion (if a boxer can,why can't i)
- a robot for a househelp
- see Wentworth Miller in person (afterwhich i can die smiling!)
- a good-looking,intelligent one-woman boyfriend who won't play around...(this one is next to impossible though...that's why i can't afford this...LOL!)
Who says i can't dream?...it's only when you close your eyes that you can see the unseen!!
06 June 2007
being mundane
In reality, I still am not certain which one is the mundane life for me. Is it the usual life with the net or one minus it?
OD
The sun is so cold, the scorching rain pours
The birds no longer chirp, they seem to roar
And yellow is not the favourite color anymore
What has become of the eyes that see
The tears, they shed so easily
Are drums broken so as not to hear
For the touch of love is no longer near
The princess has lost her crown
Her maids, they put her down
She journeys all alone without bliss
The end of the world seems to be an abyss
The leaves, they try to tell her a story
That gets her back to fame and glory
Yet it wasn’t meant to last for long
Her heart ceased beating by the end of the song….
by: meg havana
17 Mar 2007
THIS IS NO TARADIDDLE!
This little girl…she just stayed home
This little girl….she had no roast beef
This little girl…she had none at all.
For this little girl…..life’s unfair
For her…everyday is a scare
For no one cared and no one shared
And her soul is crushed till the very end.
The brown eyes that promised to love her to death
Has found someone else and left her heart for dead
From the warmth of some cold winter snow
Now even summer has no glow.
This little girl….she’s chasing her soul
Trying to ask if there’s some sense to it all
This little girl….she only wants to be loved
And yes…after all, unconditionally, from above!
16 mar 2007
