i am sinking

as i had said when i opened this blog site, this is the only place to hide, the only place where i can reveal what i really feel inside and so i here i am pounding the keys to let out how i feel today.
to many, i may sound like a broken record, always grumbling, feeling like i lost it, feeling like no one cares for me, feeling like the world is against me....but in all honesty, i do not feel like no one cares for me, i know a lot still do. what i don't understand with myself is why i love to focus on the negative, why i find fulfillment when i sound like i'm being castigated, like i don't feel contented when i feel happy and i always wallow in self pity. truthfully, like everyone wishes, i really do wanna be happy. I wish i don't think about sad thoughts but i can't help it. i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i feel so low when im alone, like my future is doomed and i wish i could turn back time , back to when i was a little girl with no cares in this world at all.
today, i had a rift with my special friend which resulted in me doing my thing alone...sadly, for the first time. and that made me think, somehow, someday the possibility that i will be alone is so huge that i dread going to the future. and i have not even acknowledged the fact that i did my work without a hitch, even without the help of my friend, who has always been the wind beneath my wings ever since i started. i should've been thinking like this, i mean, positively and with confidence, that i can do it, even without the help of someone, and that i am my own person , that it has always been possible to be by myself and still be able to function as a whole. because i know, and i realize this now, that sooner i am going to be alone, by myself...yet i am not sold out with the idea.
i just feel so down today. seems like it isn't worth the wait and my waiting has been in vain. these days, i really have thoughts of ending my life, but if not for my family who relies on me, i probably would have gone, and if not for the thought that God will never forgive me if i do such an act, i would have done it.
i am successful at work, in my own way, helping others heal, being with my family but as always there's this hole in my heart which i still havent filled up and for me, is getting bigger every single day. and this makes me giddy, this makes me low. i feel like i lost yet i am still hoping but everyday, when i see things that make me think how sinful i am, the hope dwindles down, i get sad and i sink so deep.
right this moment, i am just waiting for eternity. i have no hope anymore of becoming happy. i am beyond everything. slap me in the face and i won't get hurt anymore. i am very tired. my whole life...it seems like it's fading away....

thank God

it's almost midnight but as usual im still pretty much awake. A lot of things still left undone before i call it a day although an hour ago i gave my man a headache by pissing him off but what the heck,i don't care. he deserves it. now, i don't give it much thought anymore..it's like im beyond everything already.

anyway, im not here to talk about my lovelife..bec it sucks, it just keeps on eating me up and i get very depressed. i'm here to say that right now as im writing this, the rain is pouring hard.. when i was little i used to "not like it" when this happens whether i am in the house or somewhere else...it used to be that whenever it rains movement is limited and i cannot just go about without getting myself wet and much more because our house is on the river bank that everyone in the family was always alert when the rain starts because chances are, it would cause the river to flood and almost always water engulfs our house...i grew up with this notion thus i was kinda displeased when it rains....but i'm taking it all back now...no,we havent transferred residence..we still live on the same house near the river, but today i welcome the rain with gusto...it has been awhile since it rained this hard and with everything i see on the news, it looks like we need water, thus raining is now pleasing to my ears...and in contrast to that time when i was still a little girl, i welcome the rain and thank the Lord that He has blessed us with one today...we always equate the rain with suffering and hardships but i disagree because the rain does not bring as difficulties, in fact it brings us blessings..and i guess we are lucky today,tonight that these blessings have poured in....what a way to end my day....

swallow my pride

i have not been writing for the past 9 days.i just keep my hands full with something else but not writing.i feel pretty much ashamed because the guy and i had gone back together and i am now swallowing everything i had said previously. but i really don't know,im not sure if this time it's gonna work or maybe im doing this to get away from my boring life. im just tired of my life!

stupid ego

I had an inkling this would happen. I made a mistake and I could've prevented it from happening. Something inside me has warned me before of the consequences of my actions but I ignored my gut feeling and my ego, my stupid ego willed me to do it. I am now wallowing in self pity, my mind filled with anger over a thing that is actually my own doing.

Today, I wish I can go back to the time when I still haven't taken that big step which was the mistake. I wish I can even erode all the memories that it left me. I feel that I am scarred for life. I know compared to what other people has undergone, cmpared to other peole's lives, mine isn't as difficult and isn't as complicated as I am portraying it now but I just can't help but sigh and blurt out everything.

worries & fears

this has been in my thoughts day in and day out since late last week. it is even eating me up but i dare not confide to anyone my true feelings. My feelings of sadness, worries and guilt. my sister had been complaining of abdominal pain and symptoms that something is wrong with her but i just took it as nothing. although she never told me anything about getting real sick and that her menses had stopped since late last year, i still have feelings of guilt for not being able to take care of her condition early on. right now, her ultrasound showed a very huge mass on her right ovary with multiple uterine myomas. as one who works in the medical field i should have a clinical eye of what has been happening to her but i feel that i neglected that. And now,my guilt stems from the fact that it might be cancer and if it was there late last year then it probably is too big now to be curable when i couldve diagnosed it myself early on. it saddens me so much because my sister is nowhere like me.although she is our eldest but she doesnt act like she is. she is very indecisive and very weak. it pains me to see her looking so afraid and so worried about her condition. i sometimes ask God to just let her be healthy because i cant bear to see her sick and everyone in my family for that matter. id rather have what they have because i know i will be able to endure the pain and anguish and anxiety that one expects from a person with an illness. I ask the Lord to give me the strength to accept whatever the diagnosis and to have the strength to tell her. i am so depressed with regards to this but i dare not let my family see how worried i am. i know they are relying on me for almost everything including strength and confidence and i cannot let them down. at times, i want to give up, it just stresses me out, this life...i dont want anyone in my family to be ill..i want them all to be healthy...id rather be the one to get sick than them and i do mean it.
my problems nowadays are just surmounting...my worries are eating me up i don't know if i can survive another day from too much thinking and worrying. my lovelife is a mess, and i cannot even patch it up, one of my bosses got mad at me for something neglected to do which truly is my fault and i still do not have the guts to approach him and ask for an apology...i know this is but small as compared to what others might have endured..but it is just eating me up and i am so so down.