i am sinking

as i had said when i opened this blog site, this is the only place to hide, the only place where i can reveal what i really feel inside and so i here i am pounding the keys to let out how i feel today.
to many, i may sound like a broken record, always grumbling, feeling like i lost it, feeling like no one cares for me, feeling like the world is against me....but in all honesty, i do not feel like no one cares for me, i know a lot still do. what i don't understand with myself is why i love to focus on the negative, why i find fulfillment when i sound like i'm being castigated, like i don't feel contented when i feel happy and i always wallow in self pity. truthfully, like everyone wishes, i really do wanna be happy. I wish i don't think about sad thoughts but i can't help it. i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i feel so low when im alone, like my future is doomed and i wish i could turn back time , back to when i was a little girl with no cares in this world at all.
today, i had a rift with my special friend which resulted in me doing my thing alone...sadly, for the first time. and that made me think, somehow, someday the possibility that i will be alone is so huge that i dread going to the future. and i have not even acknowledged the fact that i did my work without a hitch, even without the help of my friend, who has always been the wind beneath my wings ever since i started. i should've been thinking like this, i mean, positively and with confidence, that i can do it, even without the help of someone, and that i am my own person , that it has always been possible to be by myself and still be able to function as a whole. because i know, and i realize this now, that sooner i am going to be alone, by myself...yet i am not sold out with the idea.
i just feel so down today. seems like it isn't worth the wait and my waiting has been in vain. these days, i really have thoughts of ending my life, but if not for my family who relies on me, i probably would have gone, and if not for the thought that God will never forgive me if i do such an act, i would have done it.
i am successful at work, in my own way, helping others heal, being with my family but as always there's this hole in my heart which i still havent filled up and for me, is getting bigger every single day. and this makes me giddy, this makes me low. i feel like i lost yet i am still hoping but everyday, when i see things that make me think how sinful i am, the hope dwindles down, i get sad and i sink so deep.
right this moment, i am just waiting for eternity. i have no hope anymore of becoming happy. i am beyond everything. slap me in the face and i won't get hurt anymore. i am very tired. my whole life...it seems like it's fading away....