my MEGa voice!!!

one of the things i love doing is singing...and although i am not so good with it, i just find it worthwhile to record my voice as simple as it may be!

tOdaY

meg havana 22 sept 07

today, i went out to the mountains. today, i was with friends. today, i got to sing some tunes, today i got to eat a lot, today i drank some wine. with that, i guess my life is gonna be alright. i don't want to dwell on negative things at the moment because all my life i had been pessimistic. through lifes ups and downs i learned to be resilient, i take eveything inside and put up a happy face. i always feel low day in and day out and i always feel i was only doing 99% of what i am capable of doing..all the time.today, i feel tired of being on the negative...just knowing how it is to be able to breathe makes me feel content that i am alive, just being with friends who truly care makes me feel so certain that i will not grow old alone. i used to like singing sad songs but today i sang a happy one. there is some certainty to my smile and the crease i wear on my face is truly a genuine one. i know i am gifted, i know i am not weak, i know someone loves me .....and with that in mind, i can sleep soundly knowing that i am at peace with myself. Good day everyone....

for real

what has transpired today with me is nothing new anymore...i didn't get surprised, i had no violent reaction ...just an empty feeling, a feeling that somehow this would happen inevitably and i should be ready to face it...and yes it did happen sooner. this time i know better and i am sure that for real this is the end of it....i don't want anything more and this has to end however hurting....and the reality is, i was stupid and now it's time for me to love myself more, to prioritize myself over others and leave some dignity within me.

im ready to face the world, albeit alone, i am resigned to the fact that im just not so lucky in love but i have my work to delve myself into, to occupy me and keep me busy...and i guess that's all i will think about right now.....

mY CurSe

Looking young is what most of us desire….when we were in our teens we tried to talk, look and dress up like adults..and when we became adults we so much want to look younger than our actual age, afraid to be tagged as old hence all sorts of beauty products, anti aging creams and the like spring up to cater to what we desire ourselves to look like…and we, vain as what it may be called, would always get fooled by those products and mask ourselves with anything to try to stop our bodies from plunging into the inevitable reality that is aging.
Although, frankly, I am not one of those who succumb to the fate of masking, as what I call it. I was never interested with making myself pretty and making me look younger than my 35 years. And this is where my dilemma lies.
You see, most people I meet especially for the first time would find me young. I do not know if it is because of my height or simply because of my very small stature. Some would say it is to my advantage since as I had said, while most crave to look young, I don’t have to do anything but be myself. I used to deny this because it would be like being proud and would be too egoistic of me to accept that fact but as I go on, especially when I deal with people at work, I cannot deny it anymore. As much as 90% of the people I meet who come to me with their respective health problems ask me my age. At times, they bombard my secretary with questions about my age and possibly my qualifications. It should have been ego fattening, I thought it was, before. However lately, it has become the most usual query and just last week I totally got insulted. I know they are just cautious because after all it is their lives we are talking about here and I know it is very important for one to make sure they can trust the health personnel with taking care of their lives healthwise. But asking one of my assistants if I had done previously the particular procedure I had scheduled on their relative or how many times had I done the procedure before, well, it just hit a nerve, and sent me spinning. And the thought that they had to ask a third person and not say it to my face was, for me, a hit below the belt. Honestly, I would never perform a procedure if it’s beyond my capability. Why would I risk the life of a person if I am certain I cannot do it? What would that make of me? And all for the reason that I look young, they thought I am young! And to make things worse, when an old foreigner was referred to me this morning, the moment I walked into the room the first thing that came out from his mouth was, “ Are you old enough?”. In my mind I was like “Aah, here we go again, is there time to run and put on makeup and high heeled shoes and dress up like Imelda Marcos complete with her hairstyle?”. Guess not.
But actually, I can never really blame them. I can only blame myself. My stubbornness to not mask myself or wear something more appropriate for a person in my field has finally caught up with me. Although it’s not that I didn’t try. I did but I am just not comfortable with it. I find it a waste of my time. And I am really contented with how I look like, at least I am complete.
So I guess this is more like a curse than a blessing. Or probably both. I am still in the process of pondering whether to redo myself or just shrug my shoulders and say “who cares”…but honestly, it is really getting into me. Sometimes I think I probably should eat more, enough to make me as fat as humpty dumpty! But one thing is for sure though, since I made this a big deal I am sure I’ll grow wrinkles tomorrow! Knock on wood!

meg havana

05 May 07