sigh

maybe i am having this identity crisis. i do not know what to do with myself. i feel so inadequate.geez, i seem to have endless problems and to think they're all minor ones. i gotta shape up. reinvent myself. yet i dont have the drive to do that. no inspiration. i hate myself today. i have accomplished nothing. i feel down and alone. and it is almost christmas. i dont know what to do. so stagnant. cobwebs. rusty!!!

twenty 5th

nothing much is going on.chilling alone at the coffee shop waiting for a text from my friend who wants to go out tonight. im never a day person so as usual, i woke up late and did nothing. gone were those days when i scramble out of bed,hop into the shower, dress up to go to work and spend the rest of the day in front of the table, loving the smell of burnt flesh, embracing the sound of hissing of the suction machine as it helps in drying up the field and cleaning it up of wasted blood. since late 2008, cases are dwindling and im no longer on stage all the time for reasons i have decided i will not delve into anymore. i still do love it though and im always wishing im back on track, on stage, with no cares about what’s going on in the outside world but nowadays i feel lost and i deem that i dont belong and i realized i never really did. anyways, this is my routine these days. i sleep in most of the time and just spend the morning doing nothing but tinker on my pc, sometimes playing games,other times facebooking. yes, it is mundane! so i go to the hospital after having my brunch and make my rounds if i am lucky to have patients. i feel rusty, oilless, incompetent,unsuccessful. at times, i try to fight but most times i just give in and resign to this fate. if not for drew, i would have been so depressed but thanks to him, at least i have something to look forward to every single day. yes i still have cases but theyre not as challenging as when i was still in training and i long for those days when i feel so exhausted at the end of the day i can sleep standing up. just like today, same thing happened,i woke up,had brunch,drove to work,made rounds,sit at my clinic,met 5 patients and then mulled over whether i would go home directly or stay first at the coffee shop. and obviously, the latter won. its such a good thing that a friend texted and invited me out tonight,after all, it is a friday and i should not be home so early to just think about what i am doing with my life nowadays then somehow feel low for not doing anything with my life nowadays. i wish i could start afresh. i wish i could go somewhere where i belong and live happily ever after. but i dont despair, because i know someday soon these wishes will come true. but just for today, im just breezing through, spending hours being idle and although i am really beginning to get sick of this but this is my life as of today. at least i am still breathing which is something i should be thankful for.who knows what tomorrow will bring me!

on being a hundred

And so it goes that without hubs, i am bored to death! I used to be so excited and passionate with work but as time went by, my eagerness has waned. At this point i am only waiting for that day when i can finally go and start anew where he is. It used to be that i got addicted to pumping iron, and to top that i only consumed crackers day in and day out. Yep, a health buff with unhealthy practices. When i reached my ideal,which to others wasn't really that ideal when they see me physically, i went as low as 85 lbs and boy,was i so confident with myself at that time some 7 yrs ago. But times change, i lapsed and quit and i slowly ballooned to a whopping 100. And people still say " oh that's fine, you look great! ". Yet i believe otherwise. and so i lost my confidence. Sometimes i feel so low, i regret having quitted and thought how did i ever let this happen to me? So today i have decided i need to do something and i need to sweat again. It is my first day going back to the gym. It felt great to be lifting again but it still remains to be seen. I now realize, the excitement is really no longer around. I dont really know how to shift gears now and i bet I am going to struggle just for this to continue. I have to think positive all the time that i can do this and most especially that i am doing this for my own good! Hoping and praying!

if only

if only i can be in two places at one time, i would be here and be with you, a million miles away, to comfort you and keep you company, when you feel like the world is crumbling down on you, and you feel alone with no one to talk to.

we have stood through the test of time and this separation is, i hope, the last one that we will ever be away from each other. i am so looking forward to the day when i can see your smile again, to that day when you can hold me in your arms again and this time, promise me that you will never let me go!

my waking hours are filled with thoughts of you and these thoughts are the ones that inspire me to go about each day knowing that someday soon, we will be together again...and when i am in slumber, my dreams are filled with you and me that sometimes i feel like you are just around. i know how much it pains us to be apart but in time we will overcome all these odds and be triumphant in the end when finally i can feel the warmth of your touch and the sweetness of your lips touching mine.

we really have come a long way. the road may have been winding for us but now we have reached the end of the road victorious and the love that we feel for each other is all that matters.

i miss you so much my baby boy. it’s just but simple, " I LOVE YOU " and this feeling just keeps getting stronger each day.

dengue or dysme?

just four hours ago, my temperature soared up to 38.3 C. i was feeling so warm & cold at the same time and no position lying down is comfortable enough. i took 1000mg of Paracetamol & was able to rest for awhile and i woke up feeling better with a normal temperature,thank God! just a few hours before my febrile episode ensued, i also had my first day of my menses..i usually have severe abdominal cramps and a nagging headache monthly when i have my period and although i still haven't got used to it despite the uninterrupted cycle since i was 13, i rarely have fever with it...so i am now at odds, whether this fever of mine is just due to my cycle or is this something else?..just a month ago, hubs had contacted dengue fever and albeit mild, and he was never confined in the hospital, i got so worried about him that time and i now recall the same symptoms that im having now. dengue fever is rampant in the whole archipelago, no one is spared although most fatalities are those in children..so i worry about this now, i may have the virus inside me and i am just hoping this is just the mild form, which is usually the case when one gets infected with it the first time...if my condition gets worse in the next few days, i might have to submit myself to a blood test to confirm if i really have the virus....i am hoping it is not the case!

Sipalay or Sipaway?

SIPALAY
SIPAWAY



It gets on my nerves when we fight over small things, which honestly starts because of me, and much more when we couldnt agree with which place we wanna be since the coming weekend is long , having two consecutive public holidays falling on a monday & tuesday...so this is quite an opportunity for us to go and travel somewhere. We have agreed we would just go somewhere either within Cebu or the neighboring places .we initially thought of going back home to my hometown which is an island but when he kinda complained indirectly that as sson as my family would know of this plan, they would jump in on the opportunity to ride with us especially when they know that id be taking Maxi with me...so i thought, without really telling him straight to his face because he would always say he has nothing against my family doing that, i thought its better not to go back home...the other day he was thinking about just going to Negros, that he found this place on the net, Sipalay which is a paradise with all these nice beaches...so this afternoon, i tried contacting a few of my friends who hail from Negros and asked about this place, but one said yes there is a place called Sipalay, she hasnt been there but as far as she knows, its not really a beach place but she isnt so sure having no expereince being there but instead she thought it might be Sipaway that he meant and this one is an island just across San Carlos city and she has been there and the beach there is nice so far , with lotsa foreigners having a quiet time since its a very laid back place...so when i got home i told him about this, but he insisted on Sipalay like he has been there before or like he really knows the place...and here comes the rift. Its just probably how he said it, like he knows the place by heart, and i do not particulary like these things , i do not like foreigners telling me about things in my country like they know better...yes i agree i know nothing about the place but for me first hand information is still better than just knowing that or reading that somewhere..its just like how these ads make us see..in photos, the food theyre selling really looks tempting but when you finally get to go to the place to try that, you get so disappointed because the picture looks way better than the actual food served, like how these TV ads, try to trick us how delicious their products are when in reality its just so-so!...i am not saying Sipalay is not great, i havent been there, its just that i just want to know from people i know who are from there or are much more familiar than those places than just learning about it in pictures and blogs...he doesnt even notice than whenever he suggests places outside of my country, i dont make a big deal out of it, because i have no idea what he is talking about..maybe if he realizes that i never do that to him when i am in his country because i respect that it is his turf, that even though he hasnt travelled the whole continent, he still knows better than me...i only wanna know first hand info in this case,so that i can be sure the place is safe for us to go..in blogs, they would always say positive things , its part of the package of selling the place to tourists but in my opinion, it is best to know from firsthand experience...im not sure if he understands these things ...and i only also suggested the other place because we are on a tight budget, we cant splurge right now because our finances are quite on the low and we can probably stay at my friend's place in San Carlos whereas in SIpalay, i do not anyone which means we have to stay in a resort....well, he got mad with me because i kept walking out on him, from the bedroom to the kitchen and back to the room, thus he decided to just go out and leave....i do feel sorry and guilty, especially when i say things i really really do not mean to say which really really hurt him and makes him think otherwise about our relationship..what's done is done, i only wish i could turn back time and just shut myself up, just let him talk about what he wanted to say because deep inside i know he did not mean to insult or make me feel or look bad...

i am such a bad partner...i wish im not me!

letting it out!

i am just so confused right now...i want to trust him but he is not to be trusted after all...and even if he isnt doing all these things im accusing him of doing, he must be this stupid and insensitive guy that do not really care how the other half feels..and he is even so brave to get back to the issue of that girl he calls younger sister...in truth, he is the one who must be in contact with this girl, he is the one who wants to communicate..the girl has a new fb add and she doesnt even add him up so what does that mean and yet this guy thinks that she is very important , that he cannot do without her...that hurts me and if this goes on then i would not be so brave to commit to him my whole life...i do not want to be involved with a stupid, insensitive, two-timing bastard of a guy and again if one of these days i am going to find out that he has some more secrets kept from me then i will personally tell him to leave and this time it's final. i will not try to be with him any longer, he is not the one for me..he is just trying to play me for stupid and of all, this the thing i hate most....it will never be my loss, never!

MO2

last night was a blast!gone out with my friends and my hubs to this place in the city called MO2, where cool people hangout and get drunk...and we did too!as usual i was the only girl in the group and as expected the guys were straining their necks looking for sexy bods, and that includes hubs!we only had beers and boy was it overflowing!sexy promo girls coming to our table selling their stuff, one of my friends had a hard time refusing the bottle of Mojitos one girl was promoting, he really had to get one for 600. not a lot for him considering he is one rich dude! as far as as i can remember, i had to have toilet stops like 10x so much so that i wished the john was just beside me! i am also glad that even though hubs is a foreigner in my country, he did get along with my friends and he told me he really enjoyed the night, and that alone, makes me quite contented..we ended up going home at 3am, and although i wasnt really slurring yet but i was feeling woozy already and to think i had to drive..

i am just so happy these days..i dont wanna think about the looming separation with my fiance when he finally goes back to his motherland. I wish this time i can already go with him and be with him each day ...

of promises and presence...

i've been out for two years..yeah, promises, promises yet i know somehow they're made to be broken but hey i can do anything here and this time no promises of frequenting this blog site but if i have time i may, if neurons jump up and down i will, if there's something worth writing i will..

to start with , my life made a 360-degree turn....of course for the best!i am truly happy now and ive never been so contented in my whole life than now..i may have not been successful in terms of finances but im so settled in my personal life i couldnt ask for more!..this may be the reason i had stopped blogging before coz you see i only express my feelings more when i feel alone, when i get depressed yet since 2 years ago when everything started to get clear as the sunny skies, i had no need to pour out my depressed, pathetic feelings in writing, i just felt i didnt need to..now that i am content i am beginning to get inspired to write that make my day bright!

i am so inlove right now!i got engaged to the same person i said i would never talk to before and everything is working out great with us!lotsa things have transpired and i am so thankful that,after all, there is still hope for me...

" As long as you're still smiling, there's nothing more i need"


meg havana