twenty 5th

nothing much is going on.chilling alone at the coffee shop waiting for a text from my friend who wants to go out tonight. im never a day person so as usual, i woke up late and did nothing. gone were those days when i scramble out of bed,hop into the shower, dress up to go to work and spend the rest of the day in front of the table, loving the smell of burnt flesh, embracing the sound of hissing of the suction machine as it helps in drying up the field and cleaning it up of wasted blood. since late 2008, cases are dwindling and im no longer on stage all the time for reasons i have decided i will not delve into anymore. i still do love it though and im always wishing im back on track, on stage, with no cares about what’s going on in the outside world but nowadays i feel lost and i deem that i dont belong and i realized i never really did. anyways, this is my routine these days. i sleep in most of the time and just spend the morning doing nothing but tinker on my pc, sometimes playing games,other times facebooking. yes, it is mundane! so i go to the hospital after having my brunch and make my rounds if i am lucky to have patients. i feel rusty, oilless, incompetent,unsuccessful. at times, i try to fight but most times i just give in and resign to this fate. if not for drew, i would have been so depressed but thanks to him, at least i have something to look forward to every single day. yes i still have cases but theyre not as challenging as when i was still in training and i long for those days when i feel so exhausted at the end of the day i can sleep standing up. just like today, same thing happened,i woke up,had brunch,drove to work,made rounds,sit at my clinic,met 5 patients and then mulled over whether i would go home directly or stay first at the coffee shop. and obviously, the latter won. its such a good thing that a friend texted and invited me out tonight,after all, it is a friday and i should not be home so early to just think about what i am doing with my life nowadays then somehow feel low for not doing anything with my life nowadays. i wish i could start afresh. i wish i could go somewhere where i belong and live happily ever after. but i dont despair, because i know someday soon these wishes will come true. but just for today, im just breezing through, spending hours being idle and although i am really beginning to get sick of this but this is my life as of today. at least i am still breathing which is something i should be thankful for.who knows what tomorrow will bring me!

on being a hundred

And so it goes that without hubs, i am bored to death! I used to be so excited and passionate with work but as time went by, my eagerness has waned. At this point i am only waiting for that day when i can finally go and start anew where he is. It used to be that i got addicted to pumping iron, and to top that i only consumed crackers day in and day out. Yep, a health buff with unhealthy practices. When i reached my ideal,which to others wasn't really that ideal when they see me physically, i went as low as 85 lbs and boy,was i so confident with myself at that time some 7 yrs ago. But times change, i lapsed and quit and i slowly ballooned to a whopping 100. And people still say " oh that's fine, you look great! ". Yet i believe otherwise. and so i lost my confidence. Sometimes i feel so low, i regret having quitted and thought how did i ever let this happen to me? So today i have decided i need to do something and i need to sweat again. It is my first day going back to the gym. It felt great to be lifting again but it still remains to be seen. I now realize, the excitement is really no longer around. I dont really know how to shift gears now and i bet I am going to struggle just for this to continue. I have to think positive all the time that i can do this and most especially that i am doing this for my own good! Hoping and praying!

if only

if only i can be in two places at one time, i would be here and be with you, a million miles away, to comfort you and keep you company, when you feel like the world is crumbling down on you, and you feel alone with no one to talk to.

we have stood through the test of time and this separation is, i hope, the last one that we will ever be away from each other. i am so looking forward to the day when i can see your smile again, to that day when you can hold me in your arms again and this time, promise me that you will never let me go!

my waking hours are filled with thoughts of you and these thoughts are the ones that inspire me to go about each day knowing that someday soon, we will be together again...and when i am in slumber, my dreams are filled with you and me that sometimes i feel like you are just around. i know how much it pains us to be apart but in time we will overcome all these odds and be triumphant in the end when finally i can feel the warmth of your touch and the sweetness of your lips touching mine.

we really have come a long way. the road may have been winding for us but now we have reached the end of the road victorious and the love that we feel for each other is all that matters.

i miss you so much my baby boy. it’s just but simple, " I LOVE YOU " and this feeling just keeps getting stronger each day.